unable to show affection?

September 12, 2008 7:33 PM

I (female, 20) just started dating a friend of six years. I go to school 8 hours away. This is my first relationship and I feel I am failing him so badly.

Its an awful word to use, but I feel the several years of anticipation of an amazing relationship were something large to live up to. I'm quite a distant person and as much as I'd like to admit that he understands this I feel I can't provide him with the affection (which should be expected) that he needs. I call at inappropriate times and we have limited conversation...however this is the way it has been since we have been friends. We are fiercely independent people with a lot on our plate but always managed to confide in each other the deepest parts of our heart. I find that with this new label I am constantly hindered and subject myself to the acrobatic leaps of analysis most women my age fall prey to. So how can I let my most special man that despite my dryness he warmth and up beat of my heart?

posted by lifeonholidae to human relations (11 comments total)

First, try not to force this relationship to be the fantasy relationship you built up in your head during the "just friends" years. It will never, ever be that relationship. Ever. It can be great and fulfilling, and perhaps even better than you or he imagined, but it will never be the relationship you and he each created in your own heads for the past few years. The imaginary relationship was easy because it wasn't, you know, real. So don't beat yourself up when the real thing is harder to get the hang of.

Second, and maybe this is because I have a personal preference for very obvious, un-subtle communication in my own relationship, I think you should tell him exactly what you wrote here: "We are fiercely independent people but always managed to confide in each other. This new label makes me feel awkward and distant. I feel like I'm failing you because I can't seem to show you enough affection, even though I truly care for you." Then tell him that you hope the two of you can both warm up to this relationship, but try to discuss the fact that you need time to adjust and become accustomed to this new way of relating to each other.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:04 PM on September 12, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

You can always try communicating and finding out what each expects in a relationship. It sounds to me that your friend craves physical affection, and you do not. But you should really find out what each of your expectations are, and decide if they are realistic. If you two have obvious different needs, it may be time to move on.

However, since this is your first serious relationship, you may need to practice some of the basics, like cuddling and kissing - you could be unused to it which is why you feel you don't need it. Set some boundaries (cuddling may lead to kissing, but may not lead to petting).

You can go slow, and work up to sex, and be aware that most people experience relationship angst at age 20. The best thing to do with angst is recognize it, go to sleep, get up, and move on the next day.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:06 PM on September 12, 2008

Meg Murry pretty much nails it - if he's a reasonably normal, decent guy, he will *REALLY* *REALLY* appreciate you having that level of just flat-out honesty. One of the most exciting things to me when dating is finding out the other person is comfortable with 'going meta' and saying exactly what they were thinking about when I said X and Y to them.

Also, if you found the first paragraph of what she wrote helpful, it might be a good idea to show it to your boyfriend as well since he's in the same boat as you.

Good luck out there!
posted by Ryvar at 8:48 PM on September 12, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

You: Hey, you're pretty nice in the following ways: [list the ways in which this young man is cool]
Him: Really?
You: Um, yep.
posted by stubby phillips at 9:23 PM on September 12, 2008

Nthing frankness. Most guys really hate the ambiguousness that comes with relationships, so if you can honestly say how you feel, he'll really appreciate it.
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:24 PM on September 12, 2008

take it slow and have fun when you are together. you have your whole lives ahead of you, don't hurry, good luck
posted by docmccoy at 10:53 PM on September 12, 2008

"I call at inappropriate times and we have limited conversation..."

My wife and I have been deeply in love for 15 years and we still feel awkward chatting on the phone so try not to over stress yourself.
posted by bonobothegreat at 12:44 AM on September 13, 2008

One of the best relationships I was in often involved no conversations at all. Both of us were just happy to be there with each other. We were both grateful for the time together and the luckiness of two souls finding each other in the universe. We would often go hours with only a few words spoken and neither of us found it awkward as we were both there because we wanted to be.
posted by monkeydluffy at 4:25 AM on September 13, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Long distance is hard, hard, hard. My husband and I both hate the phone, so meaningful communication is done other ways. You've gotten some good advice already.

I would also suggest short but meaningful communication. An email or text in the morning or evening saying I am thinking about you, or, here is a joke you might like, or, check out this metafilter post, or how is school/job/life. Keep it short, and have a focus, and no guilt if one person communicates more than the other.

When you are together, sit next to each other on the couch, close enough to be touching, and then do stuff like both read or watch a movie. No need to talk, but the physical closeness says you want to be around the other person. Share some popcorn. After the movie, talk about what you liked or didn't. Take a walk with him and hold hands. This is so nice and intimate. Again, you are communicating without necessarily having to talk. The touch says I want to be with you and we are more than friends. Cook something together, I am not talking about something complex, but do something where you are both in the kitchen. He can heat up the jar of spaghetti sauce while you boil the pasta, or vice versa. Someone can clean lettuce for a salad and someone else cuts up a few tomatoes. When you feel more comfortable, give him a quick neck rub or back rub after (or even while) he has been sitting or on the computer for a while. There are many ways to express affection during the getting to know you better phase of a new relationship. You know him well as a friend, but a relationship is different.
posted by gudrun at 9:48 AM on September 13, 2008

Just adding another agreement with Meg Murry, and adding a little bit of my own experience.

I hate phone conversations. I'm currently over 2000 miles from my girlfriend (for over a month now), and am beginning to go slightly mad. We had one phone conversation which I loved because I could hear her and I felt slightly closer to her, but the actual process of finding something to say was tough.

We chat online often and send each other text messages daily (damn the cost) but as neither of us like phones the conversation was kind of awkward. Despite the awkwardness I still loved it, strangely enough. Just under two weeks until I see her again thankfully.

If I were you I'd send him an email or text message with something short but friendly/upbeat/loving in it. Just let him know you're thinking of him now and again and he'll appreciate it. Or, if you are the type of person who doesn't mind writing letters, try that. Write a little (or long) note about whatever you feel like and post it to him. I love getting letters, but hardly ever do, so that might be a good idea.

Good luck!
posted by knapah at 1:30 PM on September 13, 2008

Oops, I see gudrun already advised texts/emails.
posted by knapah at 1:30 PM on September 13, 2008