long distance relationship blues

September 11, 2008 6:35 AM

Met this person at work. Liked her. Since I work on the same team; I didn't ask her out on a date (kicking myself about this now). Three weeks later, I think she's interested too but my workload (14-16 hour days) didn't give me time for anything social, let alone going out on dates. Then she got a long term (1 year?) assignment in another country. She left. That's when I woke up, had a long conversation over IM where we both realized we were interested in each other and she had been waiting for me to ask her out.

The complications. Long distance. We both don't want to do it this way. She hates IM and chat in general. The time differences are awkward (4-5 hours). We spend most of the respective days at work, which pretty much kills conversation via anything other than IM.

She's a devout Christian, I'm an indifferent agnostic. She has mentioned concern at my "lack of faith". That's a massive warning sign for me right there.

I'm more of the "so let's figure out how to make long distance work" persuasion, she's of the "let's wait till we're both in the same country again" camp. The lack of communication at this early stage alarms me. Rationally, I know this doesn't seem like it can ever work. Any advice welcome (especially on how to keep the communication lines open).

I will be in the same country for a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure a couple of weekends together is really going to be enough to make this work. thanks! posting anonymously because coworkers lurk on metafilter.

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

she's of the "let's wait till we're both in the same country again" camp. The lack of communication at this early stage alarms me. Rationally, I know this doesn't seem like it can ever work.

Seconding both of you. Wait.
posted by JimN2TAW at 6:40 AM on September 11, 2008

/trying to have a relationship with this person.

The difference of religion, the difference in IM/Chat. You better have a hell of a lot in common otherwise if you're even going to try to have some kind of relationship with this person.

The lack of communication at this early stage alarms me.

Huge sign right here. Gargantuan. Mammoth.

Rationally, I know this doesn't seem like it can ever work.

Ding! So don't be irrational.
posted by cashman at 6:41 AM on September 11, 2008 [3 favorites]

She has mentioned concern at my "lack of faith".

Run.

The lack of communication at this early stage alarms me.

There is no "early stage" because there is nothing here.

I will be in the same country for a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure a couple of weekends together is really going to be enough to make this work.

Make what work? You have, so far, some IM flirting. Meet some other women.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:41 AM on September 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

Go out, meet other women, go on dates and you'll probably find someone far more compatible with you.

If you don't - and she comes back into the country - by all means go out, have a drink and see what happens. If it's all fizzled out, then you haven't lost out. If it's going great, then work out what you want to do then.

Whatever you do, do not put your life on hold until she comes back. That is setting yourself up for a fall.
posted by mr_silver at 6:52 AM on September 11, 2008

LDR with someone who:
- doesn't like LDRs
- has concerns about your lack of faith

Put the brakes on now and save the both of you a lot of heartache.
posted by DWRoelands at 6:54 AM on September 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

She's a devout Christian, I'm an indifferent agnostic.

Agree, once you all get involved you're going to be committed, and this is going to be a major, major issue. Notice that she's voicing concern over your lack of faith at this stage rather than being accommodating or just leaving it alone. This is not a good sign unless you already intend to become Christian. It is imperative that you make efforts to date other women, which will not only take your mind off this but give you perspective that we can't give you here.
posted by crapmatic at 7:20 AM on September 11, 2008

You don't HAVE a "relationship" to make work.

You have mutual interest.

That's all you have at the moment. That's all she is interested in having, according to her.

There's nothing to "make work" here. There's a mutual interest and some conversations. Keep that up, but don't close other options. If, when she returns from overseas, you're both still interested and neither of you is committed to anyone else, THEN you can give it a try.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:25 AM on September 11, 2008

Don't go there, man.

I think there is a good chance she is giving you a kind brush-off.
posted by sondrialiac at 7:37 AM on September 11, 2008

I'll be the contrary voice on this one. I think you should (with care and with caveats) go for it. I mean, you say you like her, and you say that she says she likes you. That seems like an adequate foundation to move ahead with caution.

I think you have two sets of barriers, one real and one invented. The invented ones are things (like the religion issue) that you are transforming into right-now problems, even though they may (if left alone) never become actual problems. Just because something might become a problem later isn't a reason to target-fixate on it now so as to have an excuse to quit.

The real problems, though, are very real. You need to figure out the communication thing — I agree with her about the dreadfulness of IM and online chat, but that still leaves lots of ways to communicate during the day. You can talk (phone? Skype? some other online tool?) during your breaks at work; there will be a point in the early morning or late evening where your schedules overlap; you can write emails (not on the company account) and real letters and send packages. And then there are the weekends, when you can have the luxury of unhurried communication.

And you need to find a way to be in the same place as soon as possible. Can you visit her, or she you? Or is there a middle location you can meet for a low-pressure mutual vacation? Don't delay this — if there's no chemistry in person, you want to learn that sooner rather later.

If there's communication and there's chemistry, a year isn't all that long, especially if you can break it down into short periods separated by visits. Two months, then a meet up in Austria, one more month and then a long weekend at your place, etc, will make the year fly by.

And then you can resolve other things (like the religious issues) at your leisure — every couple has to deal with seemingly unresolvable incompatibilities, and for the most part people manage to muddle through.
posted by Forktine at 8:01 AM on September 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wow - amazing how other MeFi's beat me to the same advice I was hoping to offer. With the exception of Forktine, everyone seems to be saying 'run, don't look back, move on'... After trying the LDR with someone in a different state for 2 years and finding we grew into two completely different people, it ended rather badly. 20/20 hindsight said I should've let go before letting go got too hard... I digress...

Allow yourself the satisfaction that she was interested in you. When she returns and if you're single, give her a call and go out for a dinner or drink. The religion issue is a big deal to quite a few Christians - being 'unequally yoked' is strongly discouraged in the scriptures - but after a year, who knows where things will stand?

Move on with life. For better or worse, we don't always get to pursue every opportunity (or girl) that comes our way. It's not entirely under our control. Date other women - and take the weekends or whatever time you have to catch up with life outside of work. I'm sure you're not a workaholic, but make sure to get out whenever you can before you start to lose perspective...
posted by chrisinseoul at 8:20 AM on September 11, 2008

You're excited about each other because you don't actually know each other, so you can project all of your wishes and fantasies on each other, and that's what makes it exciting. Plus the thrill of the idea of having sex with someone you haven't had sex with before. Reality is much more prosaic. Sounds like you need a reality check before you get wrapped up in something that is, in addition to being unsustainable, quite expensive financially (travel costs). Letting this one go and deflecting your energy onto dating other girls seems like a reasonable course here.
posted by matildaben at 8:40 AM on September 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

Part of the reason office romances are so common is that romantic fantasies help us cope with insane work schedules or high-pressure jobs. In a neutral work zone designed to keep us on track, any attraction suddenly seems far more tempting. If she was actually here, you'd probably winding up sorting out your differences and realizing that you're not that compatible in a much shorter period of time. If you proceed, that process could limp along for months.

I don't mean to be cynical, but it sounds like what you have really stumbled upon is a great need or deficit in yourself, stemming from the amount of work you have to do. This is bound to wind up being projected onto whoever is available, which is basically how all those "how did I end up here?" situations start. I say you should spend what little time you have outside of work in a relaxing social environment -- and definitely not spend it holed up in your house talking to futilely someone far away on IM.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 8:45 AM on September 11, 2008

Don't waist your time on the religious girls, even if they're local. To me, this sounds like she's seeking the ego boost. Even if she speaks the local language, I doubt she knows anyone there yet. If your working, life abroad requires considerable social savvy and flexibility, and involves some miss-starts.
posted by jeffburdges at 8:56 AM on September 11, 2008

With the exception of Forktine, everyone seems to be saying 'run, don't look back, move on'.

That's almost always the pattern with relationship-filter questions. Nine out of ten times (according to my completely pulled-out-of-my-ass statistics), the consensus answer will be "DTMFA", "long distance relationships don't work", and "religious differences are a deal-breaker."

And sometimes those answers are actually right, perhaps even often. But life is complicated: people choose to reform themselves; many of us have had decent, even successful, long distance relationships; and many couples manage to find compromises to seemingly show-stopper issues like religious differences.

Life is short — why on earth shouldn't the questioner give it a try for a month, see how things are going, and evaluate then? So you take yourself off the dating scene for a month and run up a big phone bill — life will go on. At worst it's a learning experience ("Man, I'll never do that again!"), and at best you'll have a super awwww-inducing story of love against the odds.

Don't waist your time on the religious girls, even if they're local.

Of the many ill-considered things I've read on MeFi, this takes the cake. In the US, only about 15% of people identify as "having no religion." Are you really suggesting that the questioner eliminate the vast majority of the population on this basis? Really?
posted by Forktine at 9:46 AM on September 11, 2008

there's basically nothing there, you have to realize that. there isn't even enough to consider the "lack of faith" thing a red flag. with your workload (14/16 hour days) you can't have much a social life anyway. certainly not with someone who's half a world away. religion issues or not. sorry.
posted by matteo at 9:57 AM on September 11, 2008

Often (and not just in relationships) it seems that things become much more compelling and appealing as soon as you can't easily have them. Consider the possibility that you didn't "wake up" when she left, but rather that that was the point at which the fantasy kicked in. Think about it: the idea of going out and meeting people right now probably causes you some level of mental/emotional discomfort, resulting from the fact that you want to do so but also want to work hard at your job; it's a conflict you'll have to somehow resolve. (Also, it's uncomfortable to have to go out and meet people anyway.)

Pursuing this potential relationship in your mind and at a long distance seems to let you off that hook. This usually doesn't work in the long run.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 10:43 AM on September 11, 2008

DDTLDCWIADC

(Don't date the long-distance coworker who is a devout Christian)

Sorry if that sounds simple and cold, but there's really nothing else to be said.
posted by Damn That Television at 11:00 AM on September 11, 2008

It seems like you're cataloging the various doubts you have about this entire relationship possibility, without indicating what would be positive about it in the slightest - this should be clearly demonstrating what you're actually feeling about it, if you step back and look.

And besides, you know who else had concerns about a lack of faith?
posted by FatherDagon at 11:26 AM on September 11, 2008

In the US, only about 15% of people identify as "having no religion." Are you really suggesting that the questioner eliminate the vast majority of the population on this basis? Really?

Not merely yes, but hell yes. Everybody eliminates vasts swaths of the population as suitable romantic partners. For example, a serious member of a fundamentalist faith like the one I grew up in would eliminate far more people than an unbeliever, since only members of their own sect are considered suitable mates.

Actually, it is convenient that religious devotion is a trait that it is socially acceptable to ask about; it lets you quickly rule people out, rather than having to wait until you know them well enough to ask them about something more personal.
posted by kindall at 2:54 PM on September 11, 2008 [3 favorites]

Wow, I could change a very few details here and there, and it's exactly the situation I experience several years ago. I fully believe that all long-distance relationships will eventually fail. People simply need the daily (at least frequent) in-person talking and hanging out and doing things and SEX. If you're not having sex with your S.O., that's trouble, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but absolutely someday. Did I mention sex is important?

Anyway, long story short, the girl in my situation is The One Who Got Away. (one of a couple, actually). Reason? We were apart and never had sex. The center does not hold. You said you are going to meet her where she's staying. That's all you need to focus on for now--spending some time with her actually dating. Who knows, maybe you won't like each other that much, but you've got to physically be with her for the relationship to blossom.
posted by zardoz at 7:53 PM on September 11, 2008

Forktine, it might have been more euphoniously stated as "don't waste your time pursuing someone with whom you already know you have profound philosophical differences". Whether you're religious and she's not or vice versa is immaterial. Unless you're the type who thrives on conflict and contrasts ... uh ... and so is she ... well, you're probably in for either a brief spate of fireworks or a long-drawn out heartbreak.
posted by dhartung at 11:04 PM on September 11, 2008