Help me learn to dance

September 9, 2008 10:37 PM

I met a girl. She LOVES to dance. I don't. Help.

So, I met a girl and I really like her. She loves to dance, and she is great at it. The kind of dancing that makes people watch. She can dance to anything and she looks great on the dance floor. Its pretty amazing.

I on the other hand, do not dance. I have always avoided it. Mainly because I am incredibly self conscious. The 1 or 2 times I have danced, I have been so drunk that I don't know where the hell I am.

I like dive bars, she likes places where she can dance.

I'm thinking I need to get over this fear. What do I do? How do I learn to suck it up and dance? I just want to be able to put a few "moves" together to be able to get on the dance floor without embarrassing myself.

HELP!

posted by eightball to human relations (32 comments total)

Get her to teach you! I'm sure if she loves it so much she'd like to share it with you. There aren't really any 'moves' to learn unless you want to look like Napoleon Dynamite by trying too hard. Try taking her to a place where there is a packed dance floor so that no one beyond those right beside you can see you, and are likely not looking anyway. Have a drink or two (don't get trashed) and just have her show you what to do. I don't really dance either, but I know if I have a drink, get out on a packed floor, and am dancing with someone who loves it, I end up feeling the energy necessary to overcome the self-consciousness, and I have fun. That's all a good dancer really is- someone who's having a lot of fun and not paying attention to anyone else (just make sure you have some rhythm).
posted by greta simone at 10:57 PM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Last year, I met a girl that loved to dance. I am like you, I don't dance. She likes live music. She can not stand still. I take pictures of bands. She danced, I took pictures, we went out all of the time and always had a good time. She never expected me to dance, but I wish I would have danced with her.
posted by lee at 11:03 PM on September 9, 2008

Straight up ballroom dancing lessons would probably help, even if that's not the music you're into. Just to get familiar with the movements and the ideas (and to get past your initial fear).
posted by doctor_negative at 11:03 PM on September 9, 2008

Ask her to help you out. You have the perfect excuse to spend some quality time with her. Go somewhere with a lot of people on the floor, to help get you over the idea that people are judging you.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 11:05 PM on September 9, 2008

Ask her to teach you. Book a dance studio for an afternoon--tell her to bring dance CD's.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:08 PM on September 9, 2008

Pick a genre of music that you like. Migrate toward the albums in that genre that tend to have strong rhythms. Listen to this stuff lots. After a while, you'll find that you just can't help but start moving to the rhythm. Your body WILL move. In synch. Involuntarily. All the time. Congratulations, that's 90% of dancing, the rest is just "fancy" moves.
posted by randomstriker at 11:18 PM on September 9, 2008

I feel your pain. Now I only date women who don't really dance. Problem solved-- for me.

I read somewhere that for dancing you just try to find the beat and do something simple with your feet, all the while moving your hands and arms around so that it distracts from your crappy footwork. It kind of works.

I think for cross training, at home alone, just put on some music and try to dance in front of the mirror with a mind toward dancing like they do on the Mtv.

I don't agree whole-heartedly with the "get her to teach you to dance" suggestion. Nice idea, but in practice I think it's burdensome on the girl. Just own the fact that you're not this huge dancer, and I think you'll be good. Oh, and wear shoes that slip around so that you can just kinda slide around when you get tired dancing. Saves energy.
posted by No New Diamonds Please at 11:32 PM on September 9, 2008

In your own home, where you have at least three feet of space to yourself and turn down the lights to a comfortable gloom.

Get a glass of water and put it nearby but not in striking distance. If you're doing it right, you'll get thirsty. Maybe set a towel over there, too, for perspiration.

Put on clothes you find comfortable to move around in. You'll want at least some undies, I promise.

Now, this next part isn't necessary but it'll help you, in the long run: get some kind of reflective surface on one end of this dance zone you're creating. A mirror, the TV screen, a window no one else can look into, anything. If you're very brave and have one, set up a video camera.

Put on some music *you* like, first. Stuff you normally listen to. You can start off with relaxing tunes or jump right into something that makes you want to move around. Just a couple of songs. Long enough for you to chill out a bit and maybe warm up a little. Move yourself around however you want. Fling your arms, toss your head, whatever.

Now put on some music you're likely to hear at the places she likes to dance. If it doesn't do anything for you at first, try just running in place with music to the beat for a minute or so to get a feel for the rhythm of it. Once you're mostly hitting the beat, try alternating which foot hits on which part of the beat. Or add a sidestep for rhythm changes. Or move your arms with the melody. Just get moving.

A queue of six songs should be enough to really get a feel for where you're at, movement-wise. After that first song, just go for it. Do whatever feels natural and fun. See what you can do to move with the music. Don't make the mistake of following the words (or the guitar, if there's one in there)...this tends to cause a fall-out from the beat and the important thing is to stay on beat.

So, reflective surface: check it as you dance. Note when you do something that feels like you're getting it, anything that looks good, and definitely anything that combines the two. If you're taping, just go for broke and review when you're done.

Whatever looked and/or felt good? Do again! Try to connect the moves you enjoyed with things you've seen other people do and try a few transitions between moves - like a basic step/step/side-step with some hip shaking between more expressive movements. Just beware of BIG gestures, which can easily go awry when you're just starting to feel out dancing.

Anytime you can, dance. Practice will make you more comfortable and teach you how to recover from getting to close to other people, losing your step, balance issues, and even whether or not you care if other people are watching. And take a peek at what other people are doing - in person at the clubs, too. If you get too self-conscious about trying things you see for the first time in front of others, save it 'til you can practice again.

If it's possible to spark impromptu dancing with the lovely lady, do so. If she already knows you're new to dancing, maybe invite her to coach you a bit. Learning from an excellent dancer standing right there is irreplaceable.

The basic thing: your core, the center of you, should be keeping the beat. Your feet can help you get the beat going, but they shouldn't be relied upon for the whole song. You'll look much more relaxed and accomplished if your core is in charge of the beat. It means your hips will be moving and the rest of you can sway or flow or snap or twist or whatever fits what you're listening to.

Also: BrnP84 is mostly wrong but a tiny bit right - dancing generally takes some practice, so few people are great at it right from the start unless it's a huge part of daily life from the get-go. Don't get down if it takes you a bit to get comfy and develop a repertoire of reliable moves. Just keep practicing. If you're doing it right, you'll be enjoying yourself, regardless.
posted by batmonkey at 11:42 PM on September 9, 2008 [3 favorites]

That's all a good dancer really is- someone who's having a lot of fun and not paying attention to anyone else (just make sure you have some rhythm).

Respectfully, "someone who's having a lot of fun and not paying attention to anyone else" describes some of the best dancers I've ever seen and some of the worst. Someone can have a lot of fun, be immersed in the music, and I can look at them and think "Wow, that is some spastic, flailing, not-at-all cool looking, unsmooth, uncoordinated, unsexy moving that is going on while music plays."

I just want to be able to put a few "moves" together to be able to get on the dance floor without embarrassing myself.

A good thing to keep in mind is, assuming that you're a straight guy in the US, the bar is set really low for what's considered "non-embarassing" dancing. Basically stepping (to the side and then back) in place with a little shoulder lean thrown in and your arms occasionally coming up like you're a tired boxer = ta-da, non-embarassing dancing.
posted by 23skidoo at 12:34 AM on September 10, 2008

I don't agree whole-heartedly with the "get her to teach you to dance" suggestion. Nice idea, but in practice I think it's burdensome on the girl. Just own the fact that you're not this huge dancer, and I think you'll be good

I understand this sentiment, but I think it's a balance. If you enjoy dancing, it's much more a drag to go out with someone who only wants to sit it out than it is to go out with a poor dancer who wants some practice. You shouldn't regard her as your dance instructor - and I don't think you were thinking that - but being receptive to the idea is a good thing.

Just FYI - the reason I was a poor/self-aware dancer was because I never went anywhere that played music I liked. Or saw someone who danced in a way which I felt was something I could do. This video blog made the idea more appealing to me, personally.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 1:09 AM on September 10, 2008

http://www.learnclubdance.com/ The one for guys is cheesy in presentation, but, overall, it's surprisingly reasonable and un-lame.
posted by zeek321 at 2:56 AM on September 10, 2008 [3 favorites]

Reading batmonkey's reply, I was momentarily hurtled into the set for the dance studio in Saturday Night Fever.

FWIW, here's my take: You may or may not achieve the level of skill and self-confidence that makes you comfortable dancing with her. It's also possible, though less likely, that she will retain misgivings about your performance. But if you really like her, as opposed to simply wishing to achieve the capability of dancing with her, the effort may really be appreciated. So it's both a question of gaining the skill and confidence AND marketing it to her (honestly, I mean, no "Jive Talkin'"), such as by involving her in your instruction.

Suppose you don't know her that well, and want to do some stealth training (not clear from your post). Once that is done a little, consider brokering a deal in which she coaches you further along and you show her how to do something else you're good at. Imagine cut scenes of you trying to dance with her bemused assistance, interspersed with you showing her how to bowl (and the ball skipping lanes, etc.). Success! Or, at least, "Stayin' Alive"!
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 4:36 AM on September 10, 2008

Two suggestions: first, confidence. Start by reminding yourself that she likes you for reasons other than dancing. You've got something going for you there, big boy - and I'm sure dancing isn't going to make or break it. A little alcohol might help... The kind of dancing you're talking about is just free-form, copied endlessly from one person to another - and more often than not there's no one looking at you. Just get out there and enjoy it.

Second, swing dancing lessons. Salsa is also fun, but I personally think swing is easier to learn. Once you get the basic footwork and arms working (one 1-hour lesson), you can pretty easily improvise and watch the crowd. Bonus points: it can also be a good workout. Double bonus: lots of swing dance moves translate well onto the club dance floor - ESPECIALLY if your partner knows swing and knows what she's doing.

Have fun with it. Enjoy it. It's a small part of life to worry about - so relax.
posted by chrisinseoul at 6:30 AM on September 10, 2008

Someone can have a lot of fun, be immersed in the music, and I can look at them and think "Wow, that is some spastic, flailing, not-at-all cool looking, unsmooth, uncoordinated, unsexy moving that is going on while music plays."

Put other people's opinions, such as this one, out of your mind. Who cares if somebody's watching thinking you look dorky? If they're watching, they're not dancing, and if they're not dancing, they're not having fun, and you are. As others have said, the bar is quite low for a guy to be a "good" dancer- just being on the dance floor is 50% of it, having a girl that can dance dancing around you probably bumps you up another 25%, and if you can move your feet back and forth to the beat, congratulations, you're practically Fred Astaire. Take your girl to a club, get out on the dance floor, and have fun. Don't "learn" how to dance, just DANCE.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:56 AM on September 10, 2008 [3 favorites]

i agree with pinksuperhero in general -- who cares if onlookers think you've got crap moves? at least you're moving. however, lessons can be helpful and fun if you want to pick something up a little faster.

i would be surprised if there are not tons of dance studios with classes in all sorts of styles: ballroom, salsa, hip hop, club, etc. if you can afford it, takes lessons in whatever style is closest to what she likes. or ask an instructor what he or she would suggest.

i've taken classes in a few different styles over the years, and my instructors have always been friendly and capable, and my classmates have always been nice and nonjudgmental. there's nothing to be embarrassed about - everyone know that you're there because you don't know how to dance. i just recently encouraged my wife to take some lessons with me before our wedding (she has always thought of herself as a terrible dancer) -- we had a great time, and now she has a lot more fun whenever we're at an event with a dance floor.

i think it will be worth it to at least get comfortable with some basics no matter what happens with this particular woman. in my experience, most ladies love dudes who can dance, so it's a skill worth acquiring. plus, dancing is a blast, and once you start doing it, you realize what a bummer it was to have feared it for so long.

and if your friends are the type that would mock dance lessons or dancing in general, screw them. just because they're afraid to try doesn't mean you should be.
posted by blapst at 8:11 AM on September 10, 2008

Put other people's opinions, such as this one, out of your mind. Who cares if somebody's watching thinking you look dorky? If they're watching, they're not dancing, and if they're not dancing, they're not having fun, and you are. As others have said, the bar is quite low for a guy to be a "good" dancer- just being on the dance floor is 50% of it, having a girl that can dance dancing around you probably bumps you up another 25%, and if you can move your feet back and forth to the beat, congratulations, you're practically Fred Astaire. Take your girl to a club, get out on the dance floor, and have fun. Don't "learn" how to dance, just DANCE.

This is all well and good, and nudges from my mind the Saturday Night Live scenes in favor of Snoopy bouncing around. Sure, worrying too much about others is unduly inhibiting.

BUT: it simply isn't true that someone that the OP is trying to court, who loves dancing and excels at it and probably likes to show off, would necessarily be indifferent to crappy dancing. (E.g., imagine someone singing whose voice is joined by someone tone deaf. Or shift your mind's eye to the dance-off from Grease.) So I think saying "whatever you do, as long as you try and believe in yourself, will be marvelous -- just do it!" may do the trick, if she's grateful for any effort, but could also be well-intentioned hooey. A polka placebo.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 8:14 AM on September 10, 2008

Just stand there and look cool and let her dance around you. Seriously.
posted by fusinski at 8:56 AM on September 10, 2008

Just stand there and look cool and let her dance around you. Seriously.

It helps if you dress up as a maypole.

Seriously, is this supposed to be responsive to someone who wants to overcome his fear of dancing?
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 9:05 AM on September 10, 2008

Someone can have a lot of fun, be immersed in the music, and I can look at them and think "Wow, that is some spastic, flailing, not-at-all cool looking, unsmooth, uncoordinated, unsexy moving that is going on while music plays."

Put other people's opinions, such as this one, out of your mind. Who cares if somebody's watching thinking you look dorky? If they're watching, they're not dancing, and if they're not dancing, they're not having fun, and you are.

Who cares if someone watching thinks you're looking dorky? From my reading, eightball does.
posted by 23skidoo at 9:09 AM on September 10, 2008

Very simple solution, given to my middle schoolers by one of my (male) friends when they were first beginning to attend dances: Walk backwards. No kidding, it works. Walk backwards in time to the music, snap your fingers a little, bob around a little. Do it in front of a mirror and you'll see. Simple, easy, zero stress.
posted by raisingsand at 9:20 AM on September 10, 2008

I recently overcame my fear by watching youtube dance videos, instruction videos elsewhere on the net I could get for free, and actually (and I think this was key) learning a whole routine start to finish. It was some female hip-hop artist's routine, I can't even remember her name, but I learned the whole damn thing, and pretty well. There are lots of instructional videos on YouTube going through step by step what people are doing in music videos. Take a night and have some fun (but close your window-blinds).

Now, I would NEVER do that routine at a club, because, well, I'm a dude and would look pretty dumb doing my only sorta-good female dance routine. But what it did do for me was give me a goal to work for in developing some basic moves and rhythm. Once you can dance a whole song with all kinds of crazy stuff thrown into it, you can definitely do some basic dancing to a beat, it's super easy. Now I get out on the dance floor and think to myself "I know way more moves than all these other dudes!"

Hip-hop is the easiest to dance to by the way, I mean there's always a huge beat. Rock, indie, that stuff, that's a little more ambiguous, and you run the risk of looking like the sloppy hippie dude who's sorta just gyrating around with spaghetti arms and wayyyy too big of a smile on his face.

Some quick pointers:
-Never point your fingers
-Never snap your fingers to the beat
-Never clap your hands
-Practice moving your hips without moving your feet before you start moving the feet. A lot of people just frantically run around in place, that's not your best move.
-Look up the "ghetto bounce," it will help you for a lot of songs.

The last thing I would say is: Once you get some basics down (should only take one night so don't put it off like a tool), get out on the floor with this girl, because it's so damn fun to dance with people who want to dance. She won't give you any shit for your lack of skills, and the smile on her face should bring one to yours.
posted by zhivota at 9:43 AM on September 10, 2008 [3 favorites]

zhivota has it right -- but I'd also seriously consider doing some ballroom lessons with your SO. She already can dance, but you'd both enjoy it -- I know I (nondancer) and my SO (loves dancing) did, even though I was maybe not as good at it as I could be. Enjoy it -- it's more time in close proximity with many people who will -- trust me -- be far worse at dancing than you.

Obligatory Angel/David Boreanaz link
posted by liquado at 9:56 AM on September 10, 2008

Because of my culture i am a very good dancer and I must say that when dating non-dancer the difference between a fun night and one that was boring was the ability of the non-dancer to just up and let go...the ones that told me teach me i'd love to learn and actually went for it I always had a blast with...the ones that did not want to do any dancing that thought it was too hard for them to even try well..those ones didnt even remain friends...so is not really about your skills but more about your willingness to put yourself out there and get loose.....i do recommend you learn a very simple non-stupid looking move...such as going left to right and what not.
posted by The1andonly at 10:18 AM on September 10, 2008

Let her go dancing and meet up with her afterward. You don't have to share all of her hobbies and she doesn't have to share all of yours.
posted by oddman at 10:34 AM on September 10, 2008

Be playful with her. What is the song? What are the lyrics? Play with it. Is the song scolding someone for hurting the signer, then perhaps it might be fun to integrate some kind of tisk-tisk or finger-wagging at her, into what you're doing. Is the singer boasting about how sexy (s)he is, then it might be fun to do some kind of hammed-up poncy "I'm so hot I'm too good for you!" walk while pointedly pretending to ignore her. Is she doing some kind of hammed-up poncy "I'm so hot I'm too good for you!" walk around you while pointedly pretending to ignore you - then call her bluff and get in her face with some kind of "yeah right! I know you've got the hots for me - everyone does!" attitude. Or maybe "Oh yeah? You're that good huh? Well check THIS out!", etc.

You play off what she's doing or what the music is about, if you direct it at her then hopefully she plays off you, then you play off that, and so on, back and fourth, throw in some filler/padding moves, and suddenly you could be having a great time on the dance floor without even thinking about dancing.
posted by -harlequin- at 10:42 AM on September 10, 2008

I think saying "whatever you do, as long as you try and believe in yourself, will be marvelous -- just do it!" may do the trick, if she's grateful for any effort, but could also be well-intentioned hooey.

The situation is simpler but nastier than that - if you do something, you MUST do it all the way and believe in it, or it WILL look half-assed. But doing it all the way and believing in it, does not guarantee that it looks good, it averts a guarantee of crap.

(The good news is, if you do it all the way and believe in it, and it's still crap, it's still going to look better than the results of being half-assed or overly self-conscious.)

Let's arbitrarily create three categories of straight-guy dancer:
The guys that try, and can dance well.
The guys that try, and aren't very good (yet).
The clown - guys trying to make it obvious that they're hamming it up because they lack the confidence to try to really dance, for fear that they might look silly. If you're going to look silly, better to pretend you're doing it on purpose.

The guys that try, and aren't very good, still command more respect (from me at least), than the guys that opt for the clown cop-out. Also, the guys that try, and aren't very good, are on the path to becoming good. The clowns aren't.
posted by -harlequin- at 11:02 AM on September 10, 2008

Seconding oddman. You are who you are. She is who she is. She likes to dance, fine, she goes out and dances. You don't like to dance, but you like some other things, and you do them. Follow your bliss, man.

If she loves you for who you are, likes the non-dancing parts of you, and accepts that you don't dance, this relationship could work out.
posted by exphysicist345 at 11:04 AM on September 10, 2008

Best night of clubbing I ever had (and there really weren't that many, I'm not much of a dancer either) was at the Viper Room in LA. Ultra-cool, all in black, too-hot-for you clientele. A really, almost oppressive atmosphere. A few friends and I just said "The hell with it" and got out on the dance floor. We didn't know any of these people, and could care less what they thought of us. We'd never see them again anyway.

The best part was, I didn't really know how to dance well, but I had a BLAST making fun of other people on the dance floor, taking their moves and lampooning them. Eventually, we were all having so much fun that people started coming in to join our group, saying "Can we dance with you guys?"

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.
posted by Spyder's Game at 12:02 PM on September 10, 2008

oddman, exphysicist345:

Of course you are right that not all hobbies have to be shared. Maybe the OP wants to throw in the towel, stay off the dance floor, be who he is, and let her deal with that.

Except that he doesn't, so how is this helping? He wants to know how to suck it up and dance, and to get over his fear of embarrassment. Maybe this is just a concession to get the girl -- who among us has not done something slightly out of the norm in order to pursue someone romantically? -- but it also is also plausible that he thinks he will really enjoy it, and will in fact really enjoy it, once he gets over his self-consciousness.

I felt the same way when I was in middle school about dancing. Hell, I felt the same way in middle school and high school about smooching and associated acts, and I'm damn glad I didn't accept anyone's advice that I should just work around that and be happy with who I was.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 2:42 PM on September 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

(just make sure you have some rhythm)

This has not been emphasized nearly enough. Make sure. If that's in the bag, the rest is cake.
posted by BigSky at 10:10 PM on September 10, 2008

I think you both should sign up for some classes with clear instructions (say salsa) and that might help, especially if you see all the others in the class are in the same boat as you are.
posted by dhruva at 8:20 AM on September 11, 2008

What you want to do here is learn a few basic things that will let her dance with you and have fun. The point of this is to make her look good. She will be that girl people are watching because she is such a great dancer, and you will be that guy that she is dancing with, who people aren't looking at so much because hey, look at that girl again.

Just because she is a great dancer does not mean that she will be good at or particularly enjoy teaching.

You don't say what type of dance she does, if she already does something with more formalized steps and a dance partner take some classes in swing or salsa or whatever it is that she does to get up to speed. If it's something else, tell her you want to try learning swing or salsa (or country, if you are into that sort of thing) dance and ask her to take classes with you, it's very likely that she will find this charming of you and fun to do. Depending on what sort of music she's into, you might be able to pop out the moves at where she usually goes, or this could be a special fun thing the two of you start doing together.

If she's into dancing by herself, she may still want to do some of that. Accept that.

Oh, and whatever you do, don't trip her or smack her in the face dancing with her, if you don't have basic control of your limbs take some dance classes on your own until you acquire that.
posted by yohko at 7:49 AM on September 14, 2008