What do I need to know about going on a blind date?

September 9, 2008 8:41 AM

What should I know about going on a blind date?

I'm going on my first ever blind date and am scared shitless. I've googled "blind date advice", but am really nervous and would love any first-person (or close to it) advice beyond "wear a flirty top" (I've seriously been told this at least 5x). I have next to no dating experience, after coming out of a string of long term relationships. Is there anything I should know? Anything you wish you would have known before a blind date? Anything I should definitely do or not do? I feel pretty clueless here.

posted by lxs to human relations (23 comments total)

FYI, I'm a 25/f.
posted by lxs at 8:42 AM on September 9, 2008

Meet in a public place and make conversation (ask questions about work or where they went to school or what not). Another good jumping off point might be talking about the shared connection you have (i.e. the person that set you up).
posted by mmascolino at 8:50 AM on September 9, 2008

"Blind date" is just another word for "first date with someone you don't know all that well." Honestly, whatever you'd do that feels right for a first date is good. Maybe put up a LITTLE bit more of a guard because you don't know the date as well as if you'd been taking classes with him or whatever.

If you're fretting a little too much about "oh my God what if he is an absolute FREAK and I want to get away," you can set up a "code word" with a friend that, if you text that word to them, then they are to call you and pretend that there is a huge emergency -- say they pretend to be your roommate calling to say your apartment was just broken into and the cops need a statement -- and that you need to come home immediately. Mind you, I'm not suggesting you ACTUALLY do this unless it's an extreme situation (I've had precisely ONE date where I debated actually using this "escape," and it was when the guy I was talking to told me how he'd sarificed a goat once), but knowing that you HAVE that out if it's absolutely necessary can keep you calm.

Also, keep it short and sweet -- an hour and a half, maybe, enough time for a couple drinks or a coffee and some "who are you and what's your scene" chat. You can go longer if you're really clicking with him, but you won't know that until you get there.

Basically -- it's a first date (and I'm assuming you've had first dates before) except you know the guy a little less. You can do it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:53 AM on September 9, 2008

Have some conversational questions in the back of your mind in case the conversation stops. Everyone one hates awkward pauses and you can break one very easily with "oh! Have you read this book? I just finished it and I really liked it etc." or "What are some things that you liked about growing up where you did?" You can be less generic if you know there are topics you have in common.

Otherwise, be yourself and don't talk about yourself too much-- some is fine and necessary, but I've been on dates where either me or the other person talked about themselves too much and it's awkward. Fine balance.

Lastly, do something to relax yourself before the date. Your nervousness is your biggest obstacle!
posted by Mayor Curley at 8:56 AM on September 9, 2008

Coffee at 2 on Sunday afternoon was always my plan for blind dates--it's really easy to get away, or to extend the date, if desired.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:57 AM on September 9, 2008

Some basic advice:

You want to be personable and friendly, but you want to protect yourself as much as you can.

1) Meet in a neutral location. Make your own way there, instead of being picked up. Safety first, always.
2) Choose an activity with a short time-limit, like going for coffee. That way you can cut things off relatively quickly if the date doesn't go well. I would avoid drinking alcohol on a blind date.
3) Wear flattering clothing, but not too revealing. You'll do more to turn the blind date's head if you're dressed in a way that suits you, than if you dress like a hooker.
4) Don't pull a Forrest Gump. Reveal only those tidbits of information about yourself to the date that you wouldn't mind revealing to a complete stranger. Because, you know, your blind date *is* a complete stranger to you.
5) In conversation, look for points of common interest, like a sports team, a tv show, a band, whatever.

But most of all, approach this with the attitude that you're there to meet a new person. That they may or may not become a friend or something more is irrelevant to this particular event.

Oh, and good luck!
posted by LN at 9:01 AM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

And remember, they're almost positively just as nervous as you are (if not more).
posted by inigo2 at 9:04 AM on September 9, 2008

Don't attach too much significance to anything. All a blind date guarantees is an interesting afternoon/evening -- and if the date itself isn't interesting, telling your friends about it will be.
posted by chinese_fashion at 9:08 AM on September 9, 2008

Realize that it's not a job interview, and your future doesn't hinge on mutual attraction with this other person... most blind dates never result in subsequent dates or a relationship.

So you shouldn't feel any pressure. Focus on having fun...

One thing I can say is that if you're not having a good time, instantly not attracted to the person you're with, or whatever... it's okay to DITCH.

The best way to do this is to meet for drinks. Drinks are cheap, give you a chance to talk one-on-one without the pretense or formality of dinner. Then after a drink or two you decide this person isn't right for you, you can say, "Well, it's been great meeting you, but I really have to take off after this drink..." If things are going well, then you can move into the dinner phase.

Good luck.
posted by wfrgms at 9:10 AM on September 9, 2008

Think about it this way--if someone who knows him set him up with you, then he's probably a lot less likely to be a complete weirdo than someone you randomly meet in a bar.

Basically, he has a letter of reference from your friend.

Take a deep breath and enjoy it. Even if it doesn't work out, be polite and stay open to other blind dates. I know several people who are happily married to their blind dates.
posted by sondrialiac at 9:14 AM on September 9, 2008

Make sure that you've told someone where you're going and when you plan to be home, and that they're expecting to hear from you after the date is over. I know this sounds paranoid, but whenever I go out with a stranger, I always arrange with a friend to call her at a predetermined time when I expect the date to be over. That way, I can feel safe knowing that in the extremely unlikely chance that he turns out to be dangerous in some way, someone will know if I go missing or am hurt. You can't be too careful.
posted by decathecting at 9:16 AM on September 9, 2008

Oh, and then once you've taken such probably totally unnecessary precautions, relax and have a good time!
posted by decathecting at 9:17 AM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Besides being a public place, make it someplace scenic. That way, you'll have things to talk about (people walking by with dogs, construction of new buildings, a nice view of the water, etc).

I'm sure you'll be fine, as long as you remember that you're not selling yourself to him. Whether or not he likes you, life goes on and you'll find happiness again!

Good luck and relax!
posted by ginagina at 9:21 AM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Relax. Don't put massive expectations on the date. If you've ever gone to a party and wound up sitting down with someone you just met and having an absorbing conversation, well, ideally that's what your date will be like. You didn't go to the party with that expectation, it just worked out that way. Same here.

Wear what you want. Don't dress like a nun (I did once tell a roommate "you can't wear that" when she put on a shapeless bag of a dress for a blind date), but don't wear anything that makes you self-conscious, either.
posted by adamrice at 9:37 AM on September 9, 2008

Not specific advice, but a comment on the value of blind dates: I met my wife on a blind date, set up by a mutual acquaintance. That was 17 years ago; we just celebrated our 15th anniversary, and have two beautiful kids. Sometimes, things DO work out :-) So my suggestion would be to just be yourself and bring a positive attitude to the date. If there's chemistry between you two, you will know very quickly, and you can take it from there. And if it proves to be a dud, you really aren't any worse off than you were before. Good luck and have fun!
posted by mosk at 9:43 AM on September 9, 2008

I looked at all the blind dates as an opportunity. Usually, you know in the first 30 minutes if this person is potential for another date. If so, great, enjoy. If not, I treated it as an adventure. I would say outrageous things to see the reaction on the girl. I would ask unusual, off the point questions. I just enjoyed myself rather than fight it. Remain polite, but do not say you'll call if you won't, etc.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:47 AM on September 9, 2008

My advice would be to have no expectations whatsoever, and look at it as: Worst case scenario, it's an experience that'll give you a story to tell for months or years to come. Even if you have no chemistry with the person whatsoever, coffee and conversation with just about anybody can be interesting.

Definitely have a good plan for escape in case the person's a total wacko, but don't assume he/she will be. As already stated above, they're as nervous as you if not moreso.

Relax, go into it with little to no expectations and either come out with a great story/laugh, or to have those expectations exceeded!
posted by twiggy at 9:51 AM on September 9, 2008

Treat it as an opportunity to learn something new- and then spend the date figuring out what the new thing s/he is going to teach you. That way, no matter whether there is any spark or attraction, or even a second date, you'll walk away having learned something new.

I like bookstores with attached coffee shops for blind dates. Of course, I'm crazy about books, so this might not be the right suggestion for you, but it allows you to "just" have coffee or extend it into a rambling perambulation around the bookstore, pointing out favorite books and looking for new reads.

If you ever worry about not having anything to say, a bookstore is the perfect venue. Lose a conversation topic? Look around and point out how funny it is that they stock wind chimes in the self-help section, grab a favorite children's book and introduce him/her to it, people-watch and speculate what they're looking for.

Go to have fun. Figure you're going to be in a relationship eventually and that these opportunities to feel anxious and excited about meeting a new person, like being in the first stages of love, are probably going to be limited and enjoy the heck out of the sensation.
posted by arnicae at 9:54 AM on September 9, 2008

It will most likely be awkward. A coffee shop is often best IMHO. Focus on shared interests, whatever they are. Been on any trips lately and have photos, bring them along, something to spark conversation. Both into gadgets, bring some along.

If you're both interested, but neither is being bold enough to go out on a limb, it's probably not going to go anywhere. That's not suggesting sex on the first date, but expressing the interest so the other doesn't get the wrong impression that you're not interested. Be it a simple touch, or peck on the cheek when leaving.
posted by hungrysquirrels at 10:29 AM on September 9, 2008

Definitly: Don't expect too much ;-)
posted by donut at 10:30 AM on September 9, 2008

Nthing looking at the blind date as an adventure and learning experience. If you go in with some things to talk about and are a good listener, the rest is gravy.

Also, unless you just find your date absolutely repulsive from the get-go, don't be too quick to judge on looks. I wasn't physically attracted to my bf when we met on a blind date a few months ago--because of drama that I had been through in the past, I had a wall up to being attracted to most men. But I thought he was nice, decent-looking enough, and we had good conversation; I knew I wanted to see him again about halfway through our date. His good looks registered with me as we went out on the second, third, and fourth dates, as I got to know him even more.

Bring your best to the table appearance-wise. All these friends talking about flirty tops? Get one to help you find an outfit (that still fits your personality) so you have one less thing to think about. Maybe it's silly, but looking good and feeling attractive on my blind date helped me relax because it made me feel a little more in control. I figured I was giving my date as little ammo as possible should he turn out to be a jerk and try to blame a bad date on me when talking to his friends : ). Thankfully everything was wonderful--and I was glad that I had made an effort, because he clearly had.

Compliment him on his tie, shirt, whatever, if you mean it--just a few simple words. Some guys don't get compliments enough.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You say you've been in a string of long-term relationships. Maybe this can be your first step towards meeting different people and discovering new things about yourself.

Good luck!
posted by luckyveronica at 10:49 AM on September 9, 2008

I've been on a lot of blind dates. Here are my observations:

1. I always get nervous so I convince myself the other person is petrified. Sounds dumb but works for me.
2. I usually go for drinks on a weekday evening. I shoot for around 7 PM so you have time to extend the date if you're hitting it off. Dinner really sucks if you can't stand the person and it's tough to cut out early. With drinks, you can take off as soon as you finish your current drink. I've been to every location imaginable and I prefer a sports bar (but not on a big game night where it will be packed) or pub. It's a little more lively and there's stuff going on to ease you through awkward silences. The dress code is also clear so neither of you should be overdressed.
3. I would caution against treating it as an interview. Oh my, that's boring. Most of my blind dates were actually exactly the same but with a different person each time because of this strategy. I try to talk about either current events or something about them that's not typically asked on the first date. IMHO, the last book they read tells you more about them than where they're from. Plus, it keeps you from exchanging too much personal info with a complete stranger.
4. Drive separately. Aside from the obvious safety reasons, it's impossible to leave early.
5. Like everyone has said, have fun and don't expect too much. It's been my experience that the more you hype up the date in your mind, the more likely it is to be disappointed. 90% of the time we both had an OK time but it was clear there would be no date #2. I hope for the other 10% where we either hit it off or I leave with a crazy story I can tell for years:)

Good luck!
posted by bda1972 at 9:24 PM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm curious how you got connected to this person. Are you being set up or is this an online thing? If you're being set up, I think the rules change a little bit. (You're probably going to have to invest a little more time/attention in getting to know this person and being cordial than you would a stranger from the internet.) In any event, definitely keep your expectations low and don't think of it in too "romantic" of terms. I'd actually advise against the flirty tops to be honest.

My approach is usually to just consider it an information gathering mission. You don't know this person at all and letting your guard down too much could be inadvisable (again, depending on the referral source). Just be yourself, be relaxed, treat it as *no big deal* and be cool.

The entire exchange will be but a blip on the radar of your life, unless you want to make it more. I think you're psyching yourself out because you're thinking of it in too date like terms. You're just meeting someone and deciding whether the first date will go down. You control more of the situation than you think.

Good luck!

Also, absolutely have a back up plan for when/if things go south. I would highly advise against committing to an entire meal with this person unless you're really sure, and he comes on good recommendations, that he's good company for something of that duration. Keep it short with drinks or coffee and then take it from there.
posted by smallstatic at 6:54 PM on September 10, 2008