Do I Bring a Wedding Gift to a Facebook Wedding Event?

September 8, 2008 12:03 PM

Miss Manners Filter - I have been invited to a post wedding 'celebration' for a couple of friends through a Facebook events listing. Am I expected to bring a gift? If I can't attend should I send a gift anyway? (details inside)

A couple of friends moved away last year and had a small wedding (mostly family) this past spring in their new hometown. They're back in town now for a month or two and are throwing a BBQ/Wedding Celebration. I receved the invitation through a page set up as a Facebook 'event". I am facebook friends with both of them.

They are friends but we're not super close. Close enough to have a long, good, fun conversation and hug and catch-up when we see each other. We worked together in the past in closer situations.

What do you think all you Miss Manners-es?

posted by Toto_tot to society & culture (12 answers total)

My off-the-cuff reaction is that you don't have to bring a wedding gift if you're not invited to the actual wedding, and you definitely don't have to bring a gift to any occasion where you receive the invites through Facebook.

Though if you feel you must bring a gift, nothing wrong with a decent bottle of wine.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:07 PM on September 8, 2008

Am I expected to bring a gift? If I can't attend should I send a gift anyway?

If you attend, i'd bring a gift. That's polite. If you don't attend, i'd send them an email. I thin if you're eviting people to your party, you can't expect people who don't attend to send gifts.
posted by chunking express at 12:10 PM on September 8, 2008

This is a wedding party, and you should bring a gift (actually, according to Miss Manners herself, you should send a gift ahead of time, since bringing gifts to a party is a real PITA for all involved). If you're not going, you should send a gift or a nice card. These are your friends, and you should want to celebrate with them. Being invited to the celebration via Facebook does not get you off the hook on a technicality.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:12 PM on September 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

I would not expect a gift from my friends/acquaintances in this situation, but a card would be really nice. Traditional wedding etiquette is that you give a gift to celebrate the marriage, not the ceremony or reception. If you weren't planning on sending a gift before this invite, then I wouldn't do it after. Of course, this is highly dependent on whatever the local custom is amongst your friends.
posted by muddgirl at 12:14 PM on September 8, 2008

It never hurts to bring a gift to any party. I second the idea of a nice bottle of wine, and you could wrap it or put a ribbon on it so that it doesn't automatically get consumed at the party. A little something for the house is always nice - since they're grilling, maybe they'd like a neat cooking tool? It sounds like a fun casual party, so you can't go wrong with a fun casual gift.
posted by abirae at 12:22 PM on September 8, 2008

According to Miss Manners, a gift is NEVER required unless it's a shower--the sole purpose of which is presents.

I wouldn't bring a gift, I would bring a card with a $50 bill in it.

If I couldn't attend, I would send a card with a $50 bill in it.

Frankly, they are traveling and whatever gift you give them is going to end up being shipped to their hometown or schlepped on the plane. Money is really best in these sorts of situations.
posted by sondrialiac at 12:28 PM on September 8, 2008

They're inviting you to a party celebrating their marriage. They decided to invite people via Facebook. That's all. They want you to be there. There's no obligation to bring or send a gift. If you get a gift, do so because you want to share in the happy couple's joy, not because you feel obligated. If you don't want to share in the happy couple's joy, why are you thinking about attending?

Full disclosure: I am a bride-to-be.
posted by desjardins at 12:43 PM on September 8, 2008

I wouldn't expect a gift, either, and my partner and I are going to do something quite similar. (We secured a hasty nuptial while the getting of our civil liberties is good.) If you WANT to bring one, you could ask if they're registered anywhere (which they might be, for family members who really want to give gifts) but I wouldn't expect it at all. I'd just be happy to celebrate the occasion with folks who couldn't make it originally.
posted by liketitanic at 12:43 PM on September 8, 2008

I would bring a gift if you attend. I don't think you don't have to though. Perhaps the fact that they invited you via Facebook is what is turning you off. If you received a paper invite in the mail would you bring a gift? If you received an E-vite? If they called you personally? It's the same party regardless of the invitation method. If you wouldn't bring a gift to this kind of party regardless, then don't. I always like to go to a party with something in hand, so I would bring a gift of some sort, whether a wedding gift or not.

We had some friends that did the same thing as your friends. We gave them a gift off their registry. It was a gift as a token of our friendship and celebration of their wedding. I think we sent the gift in advance, which you could do.

A caveat: if you think a bunch of other people are going to be bringing gifts and that they will be opened publicly, you may want to bring something for the sake of that. I'm not saying whether it's Miss Manners-correct, but would be worth saving face if you care.

Also a bride-to-be, who would prefer a post-wedding party to a shower because for the shower I can only invite people on the invite list. We wanted to invite more people than we are inviting, so a post-wedding party would be our way of still celebrating with those that we couldn't invite and those that couldn't travel (like your friends are doing). I don't really expect those people to bring a gift, though I certainly wouldn't turn one down if they brought one.
posted by ml98tu at 1:02 PM on September 8, 2008

funny! I am getting married this weekend and am having a post-ceremony open house and about 1/3 of the guests have been invited via facebook. My fiance and I are just happy to have people we care about come by and share a toast with us - no gifts necessary/expected.
posted by rinosaur at 2:34 PM on September 8, 2008

My off-the-cuff reaction is that you don't have to bring a wedding gift if you're not invited to the actual wedding, and you definitely don't have to bring a gift to any occasion where you receive the invites through Facebook.

I came in here to say this. QFT, if you will.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:52 PM on September 8, 2008

Thanks everyone!
posted by Toto_tot at 9:06 AM on September 9, 2008