Getting OUT in SF

September 4, 2008 4:25 AM

I'm a young (early 20s) gay guy living in San Francisco. I haven't come out yet, mainly because I don't feel like I have a supportive, positive social base to fall back on if everyone in my life turned away from me. I want to surrounded myself with the right kind of people such that I feel more comfortable being myself. So, specifically, I want to get more involved with the LGBT community and more importantly I want to move beyond the scene and meet guys my age in normal social activities. For instance, I'd be interested in a hiking/outdoors kind of group. I guess my question is, where do I start? How do I get involved?
posted by pacifica to society & culture (15 comments total)

Being from the opposite coast, I can't really give information specific to San Francisco. However, I would say that if you're living in that city of all places, just come out! That city is very liberal and accepting, and I can't imagine your friends there would judge or care. Just be yourself, and treat it like the no-big-deal, just-a-part-of-my-self issue that it is.
posted by explosion at 6:19 AM on September 4, 2008

I agree with explosion. It's certainly a good idea to get involved in the community, but from what I've seen (and I'm in Portugal, a traditionally catholic country) people are mostly supportive. My friends who've come out have said worrying about coming out was way more stressful than actually doing it.
posted by neblina_matinal at 6:40 AM on September 4, 2008

Based on the responses, let me slightly revise my question. I just moved to the city so I don't have a group of friends 'in the city' to come out to. Only long distance friends, family, and coworkers. But I don't want to come out to those people and find myself alone in the city ;), hence why I'm trying to find social groups where I don't have to really 'come out'. Does that make more sense?
posted by pacifica at 6:54 AM on September 4, 2008

Different Spokes is a cycling club with rides every weekend. (Is outdoors without hiking within the purview of what you're considering?)
posted by Zed_Lopez at 7:33 AM on September 4, 2008

"san francisco lgbt hiking" turns up some results, including a list of gay and lesbian sports groups in and around San Francisco, which links to Gay and Lesbian Sierrans, a group of LGBT hikers which had a number of hikes in July and August. Though I couldn't find any scheduled for later this year, I'm sure they could tell you if there really aren't any or if the site simply needs an update.

Another way to expand your options is to go to the check out the San Francisco LGBT Center calendar or their search their resources database. You could also visit the center itself at 1800 Market Street, or call them at 415-865-5565; I'm sure they'd be happy to help you with any specific questions.
posted by johnofjack at 7:35 AM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

It may be easier for you now before you build up your social circle to define yourself to the public and yourself as gay, so instead of it being a big announcement destined to change the world forever, it is something that the people you get to be friends with already know about you. Especially in one of the gayest cities on the planet, I can't imagine finding many people who would be turned off by it.
posted by softlord at 8:10 AM on September 4, 2008

In most situations/contexts in my life, I've never had to stop coming out. Being openly queer/gay/lesbian is a process, not just a closet you pop out of one day and are done with. It's not always easy, it's not fun, it can be really uncomfortable sometimes (probably thanks to internalized homophobia) but that's kind of how things are.

There are some special times, people, groups, etc. where your heterosexuality won't be assumed. I've always treasured those, and it's an important component of what I consider a "safe space," if you're familiar with that term.

But to answer your real question, make friends! Set the record "straight" in any conversational assumptions (you know, where someone assumes you're attracted to one gender or another, or that your previous romantic relationships have been with a certain gender). In my conflict/discomfort avoidance, I find this the lowest-risk and least disruptive way to test the water.

On preview, basically what Softlord said.

I'm not sure of the specifics of LGBT community organizations in SF, but in Philly there's multiple choirs, health organizations, community centers, youth centers, running groups, and stuff I'm sure I'm forgetting that you can join or volunteer at. If you find one (or even a particularly gay coffee shop... check the Castro?) there'll be ads & info about the others nearby.
posted by polexa at 8:50 AM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'd like to echo what softlord said. Coming out is much simpler and easier when it's a small step-by-step thing as opposed to a big splashy thing.

Also, there's a whole lot of us queers on MeFi. Drop me a MeMail if you need someone to talk to.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:53 AM on September 4, 2008

Echoing softlord's comment above, I'd say it's a great opportunity to be out from the get-go. Saves everyone the guessing game, you won't have invested all kinds of emotion in any friendships to "lose" yet, and you can weed out the ones you don't want to hang with. SF is an ideal place to be the real you. And like explosion said, the real you includes many other things than just being gay. Good luck - you're in a great place.
posted by yoga at 8:54 AM on September 4, 2008

Join a club. How about the Pink Pistols?
posted by Class Goat at 9:13 AM on September 4, 2008

Are you on Tribe? Would you be interested in getting involved with this year's Love Fest? I think that would be a great way to meet fun, open minded people. I went to Love Parade last year and had the time of my life. There is also an extensive Burner scene in SF that put on all kinds of events. I don't know anyone in the area personally but going to the SF Decompression would also be a superfun way to meet new people.

Good luck!
posted by infinityjinx at 10:56 AM on September 4, 2008

I feel like I'm repeating, but I do want to encourage you to find gay groups that will complement your existing identity. Where did you feel comfortable before you came out? I know there are some great gay churches (not for me, but they've helped friends of mine), gay games clubs (again, not for me), gay outdoor clubs, and classes at the gay community center here. I would image there is even more going on in the Castro.

Coming out is just awkward. It's nice if you have something else to talk about. An aside. As you begin to come out more in SF, it might help to come out to a few people back home. If you wait a really long time, it becomes more difficult, rather than easier.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 2:02 PM on September 4, 2008

Since you've just moved to a new city and don't know anyone, you don't really have to come out. All you have to do is be out. Nobody in the City knows that you were ever "in." That is, in fact, what I did when I moved to D.C. when I was your age.

In my case, I met people and got involved in the community and social activities initially through joining a GLBT religious group. This was back before the Internet. I found them (and other organizations) through listings and ads in the gay rag. That was the Blade for me back then; for you, it would be something like the Bay Area Reporter. We didn't have a GLBT community center in D.C. at the time. You have one, so go there and see what community groups they can refer you to.

The main thing, though, is just to be who you are, wherever you are. You're in San Francisco; what better place to be gay! A lot of people probably already assume you are gay.

So: You're at Safeway, you're gay. You're in Walgreen's, you're gay. You're getting a cup of coffee, you're still gay. You're at work, yes, you're gay there too. It worked for me in the 80s, so much so that I discovered a lesbian boss and gay-friendly straight co-workers. I bet you work with other GLBT people, too. Be yourself. It'll work out.
posted by Robert Angelo at 4:27 PM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Just to clarify a bit more, I was just starting to accept my gay identity when I first moved to D.C. It was moving to a new city and making a fresh start, with a fresh attitude, that made a tremendous difference for me. Best of luck to you!
posted by Robert Angelo at 4:29 PM on September 4, 2008

Thanks everyone. Easier said than done, of course, but I'm inspired... :)
posted by pacifica at 12:40 PM on September 11, 2008