How to help a teenage girl do what she loves?

September 2, 2008 5:55 PM

Two part interrelated question: 1) How to improve the self esteem of a 16 year old girl 2) who can't act but would like to be a good actor

Our 16 year old daughter has finally morphed into a self absorbed, brooding teenager. Ok fine, that's natural. But it's also become clear that she has serious self esteem issues.

Back story: she's never been a popular with other kids, though adults adore her gentle and helpful nature. She has always had few friends and been shy and needy.

Over the past year though, she's gained a circle of very good friends and generally blossomed. However, the brooding moodiness typical of teenagers had come about and her general attitude has negative, while her old neediness had returned and through conversations, we've discovered that the self esteem issue has only gotten worse (feels she can't do anything right, sees high school for the boring warehouse it is, the world sucks etc, etc)

Yesterday I asked her what she thought she was good at, but she couldn't think of anything, so I asked her what she would like to be good at and the instant reply was 'Acting.' She's taken acting classes and programs before, but her shyness seemed to get in the way and she was consistently picked for the smaller roles and eventually seemed to move on to other things.

We want her to be happy and proud of herself. How can we help her achieve this either separately or through acting? Is the idea that we help become good at something the right direction?

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

I think an improv theater course would work well on both counts. Check out especially the section on "Psychology of Improvisational Theater."
posted by cocoagirl at 6:31 PM on September 2, 2008

Speech competitions. If her school doesn't have them, find one that does. I competed in these... you can do everything from monologues to dramatic/comedic readings, impromptu speech...whatever. Good times. Not sure how common they are these days, but my old HS still does them.

Also buy her a kickass journal and a nice pen. Something that ties shut and something that's flowy and bleeds when you leave it on the page too long. Just give it to her and say something like "I think you've got a lot to say. Even if you never show it to anyone else, write it down. I'll never look or ask you about it." Chances are she probably already does...but nice journals are kickass.
posted by TomMelee at 6:35 PM on September 2, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

She sounds smart. I'd see if she'd be into Debate, speaking as someone who almost went to the state spelling bee wearing a Minor Threat t-shirt.

Oh, and don't forget to tell her that it gets better and that getting good grades is one of the best ways to improve her future. IMHO, of course. :)
posted by rhizome at 6:41 PM on September 2, 2008

Does her high school have Mock Trial? I did it in High School and I count it as one of the most valuable learning/emotional development experiences I have had, period.

Alternately, maybe her school has Model United Nations. My school did not have this, but it utilizes and helps develop a similar skill set.

Both of those activities are somewhere between acting and debating, and they really help with development both personally and with peers.
posted by No New Diamonds Please at 6:43 PM on September 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Take her to see theater outside of high school. Go backstage if you can. Also take her to the drama department at a nearby university, look around and chat up some students. Help her see that there is a world outside of high school and give her something specific to get excited about.
posted by skallagrim at 6:49 PM on September 2, 2008

sees high school for the boring warehouse it is,

It's only a boring warehouse if you let it be. Help her find something that is fun-challenging. And don't agree with her that high school is a boring warehouse.
posted by gjc at 7:16 PM on September 2, 2008

See if she can help coach a theater group for younger students. Her age would give her natural authority and genuine service is always good for the self-esteem.
posted by metahawk at 7:17 PM on September 2, 2008

Volunteering with the elderly is also a very good option. I know one girl who arranged to do manicures and pedicures (or at least the polish part). it was greatly appreciated, took minimal talent and the girl had fun recommending colors etc.
posted by metahawk at 7:21 PM on September 2, 2008

nthing speech competitions. That is inclusive of debate of a few types, and also various speaking activities and acting activities. To address TomMelee's remark, they are still quite common today.

At my high school, all of these activities were handled by the debate/speech teachers. At other schools, sometimes the drama-specific activities are handled by the drama teachers. Since the activities go on at what are generally considered "debate tournaments," ask the school's speech or debate teacher who handles these things and what class or extracurricular club your daughter needs to sign up for to get involved. If it helps, the non-debate events are typically referred to as "individual events."

I think participating in the drama-oriented competitions at debate tournaments is probably the least stressful way to get her involved in some acting. She'll only have to perform for ten minutes or less per round of competition, and there will rarely be very many other people in the room unless she makes it to semifinals or finals. Furthermore, as far as learning the acting goes, since she's not competing for a role with anyone her fellow students will be inclined to be more supportive, and it won't be as stressful as trying to act in front of a full classroom of fellow actors.

For what it's worth, I did policy debate, which is as far from the acting events as you can get. Still, our assistant debate coach wanted to conscript us to enter more individual events, so I got harangued into doing poetry, duet acting, and individual acting (I forget the actual name of this event) for a few tournaments. Acting always petrified me even though I thought it ought to be fun, and it actually wasn't all that bad when I did it. That's my basis for saying it's not as bad as trying to take a drama class. (Although like I said, depending on who handles the events, she might have to take drama to participate anyway.)
posted by Nattie at 7:27 PM on September 2, 2008

It's not acting, but what about backstage work? I was shy in high school too, but all my friends were actresses and I wanted to be a part of it all, so I started designing lights, clothes and sets for our shows. It was such a thrill to see my designs on stage (not to mention my name in the program about 12 times). The work I did got way more face time than any bit part I could ever get. And it's not all techie- being a costume designer seemed downright glamorous and opened up a whole world of vintage styles to me. I definitely wasn't conventionally cool, but it kind of helped me get my own thing going. The best part was when I realized while I was still in high school that people would actually pay me to do it. That was the real self esteem boost- feeling like I was good at something and that it would lead to something out in the real world after high school.
posted by Thin Lizzy at 8:06 PM on September 2, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

If she's interested in theatre, there are lots of things to do in theatre that aren't on the stage. I know a lot of people who "found" themselves back stage. She could be involved in lighting, sound, props, stage management, etc. A good way to stay involved is to participate in the local community theatre or high school group backstage while still taking acting classes.

Also, take her to see shows. This can get expensive, so find ways to do it on the cheap. Have her ask if she can usher. See if there is a discount ticket program available.

I survived high school because of a community theatre adopting me. Her millage may vary.
posted by JustKeepSwimming at 8:06 PM on September 2, 2008

Just some insight with no recommendation - it sounds like she can't find a way to express herself. Like she has something to say or show but she feels like no one is listening.

With that in mind - I think the journal is a great idea. Or encouraging her to set up an anonymous blog (well, anonymous to YOU at least - although even I admit that may be an iffy proposition).

If nothing else, and if you're going to pursue the acting, then buy her a video camera to go along with that iffy blog?
posted by matty at 8:08 PM on September 2, 2008

Is she into music of some sort? I've noticed with most children/young teens that are less outspoken vocally are more prone to musical instruments. Piano, Guitar & other classes seem to channel that energy pretty well.
posted by sharkhunt at 8:16 PM on September 2, 2008

She's taken acting classes and programs before, but her shyness seemed to get in the way and she was consistently picked for the smaller roles

Acting is not a competition- there are always bigger roles, better shows, more talented people. There are no gold medals, it's not a race- it's art. It's not something someone should take up in hopes that they'll become "the best" at it and that becoming good at it will help them feel good about themselves, it's just something you do because you love doing it. Help your daughter find things to do that make her happy- if acting is that thing, than that's the thing, but try to take the focus off of the goalpost acheivements and onto the love of the process of doing the things you love.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:52 PM on September 2, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

who can't act but would like to be a good actor?

I think explaining to her that the way to success in anything is continuous effort towards a goal. Provide her an example of this from family experience.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:55 PM on September 2, 2008

Like Thin Lizzy, I'm suggesting theater tech. (Your daughter sounds like me 18 years ago.)

You don't need specific expertise to help paint sets, hang lights, help with quick-changes, run followspot, etc., and local theaters are always hungry for interested, motivated, loyal people. At sixteen I was running the light board for the simpler shows at a well-known local theater. It's tremendously satisfying to be "part of the performance" in this way. Hey, without techs, the actors are on a bare stage in the dark with no audience -- techs have a lot of responsibility in (forgive me) basically a big team-building exercise, which is awfully good for realistic validation.

And theatre folks are pretty sympathetic (and empathetic!) to frustrated teenagers. It really opened my eyes to be able to know people in their mid-twenties and early-thirties and be treated with respect for my ideas, and called out on my stupid stuff, and generally not subjected to the label of "Alert! TEENAGER." And to have colleagues and friends, and to learn the difference (not everyone has to be my best friend, pleasant working relationships are satisfying too.)
posted by desuetude at 9:13 PM on September 2, 2008

Yep, theater tech. Mr. F did lights and sound, and I did set painting, ticket sales, and ushering. I promise that we're both functional adults with good self-esteem, good friends, a roof over our heads, and no serious chance of suddenly moving back in with Mom and Dad. And, jeez, we work in Hollywood. Doing technical creative stuff.

Quiet and helpful, quick with a good idea or the right tool for the job, a little more content out of the spotlight-- that's pretty much exactly what a stage crew needs, and exactly what some of the other technical creative gigs need too.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:40 PM on September 2, 2008

I was also a shy high school student with an interest in acting.

People have already suggested debate and tech; I was on my school's debate team and theater crew, and I enjoyed both groups. Although I was never a great speaker, the debate team is a good experience for a shy person, since it forces you to constantly practice your speaking skills in a supportive environment, and there are plenty of events to choose from, ranging from dramatic readings and impromptu speeches to policy-heavy Lincoln Douglas debates. Debate team also fosters a certain amount of camaraderie, particularly during the various tournaments. Tech is also a great outlet for someone who is interested in theater, since you do get to see the plays develop.

I would also recommend a choral group; I was in one during college, and had a lot of fun. It could give your daughter a chance to perform, without the added pressure of being in the spotlight. In addition, it's a great opportunity to bond with other people, and working on complex choral pieces allows one to develop a greater appreciation of music.

Although this doesn't have a lot to do with acting, I also enjoyed working on the staff of my high school newspaper. Working on a newspaper, yearbook, or literary magazine might be a useful outlet. Also, insofar as your daughter would be required to conduct interviews or track down submissions, it would force her to become a bit more assertive.
posted by jennyesq at 11:26 PM on September 2, 2008

It's only a boring warehouse if you let it be. Help her find something that is fun-challenging. And don't agree with her that high school is a boring warehouse.

If we're talking about an under-funded/rural school with nothing as far as the debate team/mock trial/etc suggestions here, it may very well be a boring warehouse. My h.s. certainly was.

That said, what about her high school's drama dept.? Even a po dunk school will have that and will put on at least a few plays a year. Did she take this acting classes outside of school? Perhaps community theater would be good. Maybe you can both focus on getting her out of her rut, which often involves physically moving to a different part of town's community theater, for example. My point is that she will benefit from experiencing something new. If that can happen in her school, all the better, but she may need to simply be in a totally new environment. Of course, if/when she goes off to college, she'll likely have tons and tons of opportunities to explore this, but I guess that doesn't really help her/you right now.
posted by zardoz at 11:46 PM on September 2, 2008

I would pursue ways to get her involved in theather etc. that aren't associated with her highschool. It isn't at all about escaping the problem, but rather sometimes all shy people need are a way to have a fresh start and to start acting like the person they want to be/feel they are inside. She maybe can't do that in her highschool because she feels they already think they know who she is and so she is trapped. So yeah, any community theater groups would definitely be the right way to go. Or see if there are any theater workshops she can attend.

I would also wonder if theater is the only avenue to explore. I get the feeling that the goal of all this is basically to help her find her voice, be it through theater or something else, and to be happy. So if there aren't many theater options in your area, maybe look at indoor rock climbing, or some martial arts, or whatever. I would make sure whatever activity she chose was something that involves other people, and that requires talking to other people during it. With work and encouragement she will break out of her shell and be more equipped to pursue any interest she has, including theater. :)
posted by gwenlister at 4:36 AM on September 3, 2008

I'd look more closely at the improv suggestion. My son took several improv classes as a kid and it has a ton of benefits: learning to work as a team, getting praise for something unexpected (i.e. she'll do something off the top of her head and everyone will love it -- I guarantee it), practice dealing with mildly scary situations (performing in front of people) in a controlled environment and improv is a skill she'll use for the rest of her life -- the ability to think fast is useful in every profession.

Another thing she might want to look at are the Odyssey of the Mind competitions if her school has them - both of my sons did this and they're great because the kids do every single aspect of the project - coming up with a script, making the sets and costumes, performing the skit, etc. so by the end of it she'll know what parts she likes and what parts she didn't. It's also a team environment and the kids on the teams become very close.
posted by katyjack at 5:36 AM on September 3, 2008

She sounds a bit like me at 16! When I was at university I was in the chorus of an operatic society - not scary front stage, but performing, and this built up my confidence a lot. Working backstage or on costuming would also be great - it's a good way to be part of a close-knit group. My society was divided up into cast and crew, but the former spilled over into the latter and we helped out with set-painting and other jobs.
posted by mippy at 5:43 AM on September 3, 2008

I'm going to nth the suggestion for ANY kind of theater work: tech stuff, design, props, etc. I was a theater director w/ some pretty good companies about a decade ago, and I have to say, most of the really fun work was going on during/around rehearsals. The actual performance was always boring to me. But all the stuff, all the people working behind the scenes to put together a show? Good times. Plus, it's a well-established fact that all the stagehands get to talk shit about actors, which can do one's self-esteem a lot of good as well.
posted by nushustu at 7:37 AM on September 3, 2008

Seconding improv. If done correctly it goes a long way toward building up self esteem.
posted by Arthur Dent at 9:53 AM on September 3, 2008