Is there life after 30?

August 31, 2008 9:24 PM

where do single women in their thirties hang out?

seriously. I cant find them anywhere.

Cant even find them in my friend's networks. (Not single ones anyway).

I figure by the time single women (or for that matter, men) are thirty-something, they've either been to grad school, or are in their second career, or are done with their first marraige. Where do they hang out? libraries? pubs? online? At work?

Are they all home watching tv with their cat? ;)

Would love to hear what you know about this important sociological question, especially if you have any native insight (by being a single 30-something).

posted by jak68 to human relations (31 comments total)

It occurs to me that it might be a touch more productive to ask this question in a different way:

Where do normal single women in their thirties go/look to find normal single men in their thirties? ;P
posted by jak68 at 9:34 PM on August 31, 2008

i enjoyed backpacking, rock climbing, biking, etc. by myself and always meant to join the local hiking club. aside from that, coffeeshops, bookstores and antique places were my usual haunts. (i'm a recovering single 30-something and met the mister at said coffeeshop--not at an antique shop).
posted by ms.jones at 9:35 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]

Are they all home watching tv with their cat? ;)

When I was single and in my thirties I was

- hanging out with friends in real life
- hanging out on MeFi and MetaChat and at meetups
- spending some time on OK Cupid
- travelling a lot for work
- having meetups at my house and hosting a lot of visitors during tourist times here in Vermont
- spending time with my family
- going hiking or doing outdoorsy stuff when the weather was suitable
- going to the library
- teaching night computer classes at the local high school

I may be over-assuming here, but if you're a single 30-something looking to meet single 30-somethings, making yourself seem available and/or interesting to someone who notices you here on MeFi (among other places) might be a good start.
posted by jessamyn at 9:36 PM on August 31, 2008

You're in New York City and you can't find single 30-year-old women?

I see them at restaurants, the subway, the post office, the grocery store, the bank, etc. You should try those places. And join a meetup group.
posted by billtron at 9:36 PM on August 31, 2008

The answer to your second question is, as far as I can tell, either parties thrown by mutual friends or at the office. In answer to your first question, most of my thirty-something single female friends spend most of their off-time in bars.

But then, we've always hung out in bars. So maybe the answer to your overall question is, in the exact same place they were looking for men a few years earlier when they were in their twenties. Women of a given age are not monolithic, and you should seek out women in the places they're likely to be based on the sorts of things they're interested in, not based on age.
posted by decathecting at 9:39 PM on August 31, 2008

I'm a single 29-something and I when I actually do go somewhere, I generally hang out at slightly classier bars, lounges etc., because I've had my fill of "pubs".

I've always wondered something, though. It would be completely creepy for a guy to do this to a girl (OMG SEXIST), but in a purely hypothetical situation, I think a guy might not mind a girl hitting on him in a clothes store.

Find a single guy (he will have a vacant, wasted look of desperation, but married guys have that too, so I dunno, hang back a bit) browsing the racks at a decent clothing store (Hugo Boss, whatever), looking for some threads. Wait until he tries something on. If it looks good, tell him so. Or something like "I don't work here but I think brown would look much better on you, why don't you try that one?" Strike up a conversation.

Of course, this is probably a retarded idea but *I* wouldn't mind a lady doing that to me.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:41 PM on August 31, 2008

Of course, the way I read your post, I figured you were a lady. So scratch all of that and don't tell me what looks good on me, I know what I like! Go annoy somebody else, weirdo! Where do you get off etc. etc.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:43 PM on August 31, 2008 [1 favorite]

Where do normal single women in their thirties go/look to find normal single men in their thirties? ;P

It's this bit that threw me off, see?
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:44 PM on August 31, 2008

>"I see them at restaurants, the subway, the post office, the grocery store, the bank, etc. "

There's no shortage of single 30 somethings in NYC; the problem is of course more complex than that. So you walk past someone you guess is 30. Ok, a host of issues immediately arise: You can tell that they're 30? In NYC? Its not that easy to tell at a glance, now is it. They're doing marvelous things with make up these days, for both the very young and the very old alike. You can tell that they're single? At a glance? Ok, You want to start chatting? On the sidewalk in NYC? Good luck.
It isnt the shortage of 30-somethings that is the problem, specifically; its being able to meet them in contexts and environments conducive to actually getting to know them and talking in a normal way. You know, like maybe where they hang out when they're not at work.... (they're certainly not 'hanging out' at the subway station and the post office). And hence the question...
posted by jak68 at 9:51 PM on August 31, 2008

turgid, thanks for the belly laugh ;)
posted by jak68 at 9:53 PM on August 31, 2008

Some of them mountainbike.
posted by unSane at 10:11 PM on August 31, 2008

I imagine that the answers to this question will reflect the locations of the people responding. In LA, where I live, you can't strike up conversations with people who are walking down the street, because (sadly) there aren't too many neighborhoods in which it's possible to walk.

Even with that limitation, I've met--and actually had conversations with--people in their thirties by doing the following things:

volunteering for a candidate
participating in political demonstrations
reading the paper in a cafe
going to concerts
going on walks and walking tours
taking cooking classes

That said, most of the people I've met in these situations were other women in their 30s. YMMV, though.
posted by chicainthecity at 11:32 PM on August 31, 2008

I'm a 20-something woman, but there are quite a few single and not-single 30-something women at my soccer club. And many of the not-single ones are with guys from the same club, so it would be valid to say that they meet guys at the club.
posted by jacalata at 11:56 PM on August 31, 2008

This is the way of the world, no matter what age bracket you fall into: women don't like to be cold-called. We like to make the first move, even if it's as subtle as a smile or lingering eye contact. Your job is to place yourself into situations where women in their thirties can check you out.

If you go to a gym and lift weights and maybe work on the cardio machines, give it up for a while. While you're doing that stuff, you're wasting time in an environment where women don't want to be approached (really, please don't hit on us!) and won't approach you. There are ways that you can exercise just as efficiently and place yourself in environments chock full of women in their thirties.

Take a Pilates class. It will kick your ass and get you into really good shape, and you'll probably be the only guy. Yoga is good too. For cardio, join a rowing club or a running group. We are women in our thirties, and we are legion. We don't like being hit upon, but that doesn't mean that we won't flirt with you.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 12:09 AM on September 1, 2008

I'm a (recently) single woman in my 30s and I mostly hang out with people I already know. At this point in my life between HS, college, grad school, past jobs, present jobs, old roomates, old boyfriends, neighbours, old neighbours, people I met on the street 10 years ago etc I have about a million friends. I like to meet people (obviously) but just keeping up with the people I know and like is a very busy social life. I mostly meet new people and potential new menfriends through my current friends at this point. I am also old enough to know what I want in an SO and I'm not shy about sharing it with friends.

So talk to your friends and see who they know that is single and potentially interested in a new romance with someone like you, that's my advice. At the very least it will be entertaining and maybe they will owe you dinner for the terrible blind date they sent you on.
posted by fshgrl at 1:30 AM on September 1, 2008

You can tell that they're 30? In NYC? Its not that easy to tell at a glance, now is it. They're doing marvelous things with make up these days, for both the very young and the very old alike.

jak68. dude. god forbid she might be a good-looking forty year old.

Seriously, stop looking at these broads as "women to meet for a relationship" and start seeing them as just people. Meet them like you meet anyone else. Start a conversation before you start chatting them up: that's the "normal" way you meet "normal" people in a "normal" environment.

Asking where to find them penned up under a sign that says 30-something, single, OK to hit on, isn't really the right approach.
posted by three blind mice at 2:28 AM on September 1, 2008 [4 favorites]

Basically all single 30-somethings I know play tennis
posted by uandt at 2:39 AM on September 1, 2008

the new yorker to the rescue: “I like the wine Meetups, especially if you want to meet women.”

lesen bildet.
posted by krautland at 4:10 AM on September 1, 2008

There are a ton of NY single women in their 30s doing online dating. True, 'online dating' is not a physical place, but it has the following advantages that match your criteria:

a) You know they're single.
b) You know they're open to being approached.
c) They're giving you a medium in which to approach them.
d) Their age is clearly displayed (sure, they could lie, but most of them don't).
posted by bingo at 5:45 AM on September 1, 2008

All I know is that I spent my 20s and early 30s earnestly looking for a date online, never got it.

Then I was in a relationship that *really* didn't work out - and thus two years later, I found myself back on the online dating websites. At the age of 33. Suddenly, I'd actually get responses back from people I emailed. People would look at my profile.

You might just need to wait a couple of years!
posted by almostwitty at 6:00 AM on September 1, 2008

Get a bicycle, go to the Boathouse in Central Park on any given weekend morning, where lo and behold, there will be dozens of women, possibly single, possibly over 30.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:07 AM on September 1, 2008

there is no one single monolithic place where we are all hanging out here in New York. I promise you. There never was -- it's not like there's a secret underground bunker we all get a key to when we turn 30.

But it sounds like your question isn't "Where do 30-year-old-women, who are single, 5'7", work out twice a week, like tapas, and do good Groucho Marx imitations hang out", it is "I would like to find a single woman in her 30's who is 5'7", works out twice a week, likes tapas, and does good Groucho Marx imitations to have a relationship with her. Where do I find her?"

And if you have exacting standards that you require, online dating is your best bet because you can prescreen for specifics.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:54 AM on September 1, 2008

I can't speak for the other single women in their 30s, but I am in fact at home watching TV with my cat.
posted by kattyann at 7:41 AM on September 1, 2008 [12 favorites]

You can tell that they're 30? In NYC? Its not that easy to tell at a glance, now is it. They're doing marvelous things with make up these days

Can you really tell what age men are all the time either? I'm not in NYC but at almost 31 I look about 25. I know 21 year olds who look 35. Why not just meet people that you find interesting, are attracted to and not worry about the age thing at first? I think you're generalizing a bit too. I haven't been married, gone to grad school or started a second career. I just spent my 20's working insane hours to get ahead in my career and then traveling.

A lot of us are at a point where all of our friends are married or having babies. I don't go to bars much because my friends are settled. We go out to restaurants and movies or hang out at their house. Sometimes we go to parties. When I'm not with my friends I go to movies, the store, walk around town, shop, the gym, concerts... I meet a lot of new people all the time but that's mostly by talking travel with them online. So I suggest get more involved in something you're interested in.
posted by Bunglegirl at 7:43 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

where do single women in their thirties hang out?

Where do normal single women in their thirties go/look to find normal single men in their thirties? ;P

Seriously, stop looking at these broads as "women to meet for a relationship" and start seeing them as just people. Meet them like you meet anyone else. Start a conversation before you start chatting them up: that's the "normal" way you meet "normal" people in a "normal" environment.

Yeah, I think your rephrasing was really stating a different question. In my infinite wisdom and experience as a woman in my 30s (ha), I really find that it is best for man-people and women-people to stop trying so hard to be constantly out to meet others as romantic possibilities and just try to relate as people first.

I know we are all sick to death of the parsing of my point and similar points as "stop looking/trying so hard and you will meet someone" and that's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that I would answer the first question (and actually from the way it read at first, I thought you were a woman looking for female friends) with: the dog park, the gym, the bar on the corner, etc. But there is no "where women hang out" any more than there is "where men hang out" and your clarification made my skin itch a little--as I'm not at any of those places to look for men and it made me feel like you are assuming some things about single women that aren't necessarily true.
posted by Pax at 8:30 AM on September 1, 2008

Thanks for all the perspectives, all of which help (even from those of you who assumed too much about me and my intentions.)
posted by jak68 at 9:47 AM on September 1, 2008

Get a dog. :) Seriously! Especially in NYC. It will give you a chance to meet other single women who *own* dogs, ones who don't but think yours is cute, too. Dogs are a fantastic social enabler. At the dog park, you may be able to see the same woman there for a few times in a row, get to know each other, then suggest a coffee.
posted by twiki at 10:11 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Here in DC, my single friends (late 20s-early 30s) and I can be found: walking our dogs, working out at the gym, taking yoga classes, meeting up for dinner or drinks (where we are definitely open to chatting with non-skeezy men who approach us), going to movies, going to plays, browsing in bookstores, getting frozen yogurt and eating it on a park bench, and sometimes attending church. One friend plays in a co-ed soccer league. We are open to being approached by men in these and other, more mundane, situations like grocery shopping, riding the Metro, etc. We will write you off if you walk up and blurt out "Do you have a boyfriend?" but striking up a natural conversation for a few minutes will probably net you a phone number if the lady finds you attractive and you ask for it. We are just normal people leading normal lives. We are neither Carrie Bradshaw nor scary Cat Ladies. My advice is to start a conversation about my dog, my book, the bar, the weather, the election, etc and see if we click. If I like you I will be responsive, if not I will give you a polite brush-off. Don't make it harder than it is!
posted by JennyK at 11:19 AM on September 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm 37 & single and have not been to grad school, am on my first career, not ended a marriage, and have neither tv nor cat.

As folks said above, go meet lots of people of all kinds. Some of them might be or might lead you to people you might want to date. In any case, you'll learn a lot more about actual non-stereotypical single women.
posted by judith at 10:34 AM on September 2, 2008

I hang out a lot with this group (www.onebrick.org). Don't know about the NYC chapter, but the San Francisco chapter has a lot of single women in their thirties. Good Luck.
posted by bananafish at 2:51 PM on September 2, 2008

We're at work, so you're going to have to find us via craigslist or match.com or somesuch.
posted by footnote at 6:41 PM on September 2, 2008