Is there a nice way to say 'thanks, but no' in online dating?

August 28, 2008 11:25 AM

How do I politely say "thanks, but no thanks" when someone messages me from an online dating site? I've recently joined okcupid, mostly to meet new people, and so far have had some really nice conversations. However, I've also had some people contact me that I don't seem to have anything in common with. I don't want to just delete their messages - that seems rude, when they've gone out on a limb to message me. But what's a polite way to say I don't see anything to talk about, without that turning into its own conversation?
posted by anonymous to human relations (39 comments total)

When I was the recipient of "Thanks but I'm sorry, I'm involved with someone right now." It didn't have as much of a sting as a "YOU'VE BEEN REJECTED BY XXX."
posted by spec80 at 11:32 AM on August 28

Just say thanks but no thanks, and then block-em.
posted by By The Grace of God at 11:33 AM on August 28 [1 favorite]

They may be going out on a limb, but in my experience, ignoring messages from people you're totally uninterested in is absolutely standard practice. Some people do send a "Thanks but no thanks" but the majority I know just delete/ignore. It's happened to me plenty of times, and I don't take any offense.
posted by Tomorrowful at 11:35 AM on August 28

If you're not interested, don't respond. That's how it goes.
posted by ludwig_van at 11:37 AM on August 28 [7 favorites]

I think it's fine to just not reply. It happened to me a few times when I was doing this and I was never bothered by it. Nobody ever sent me a message just to say "no thanks".
posted by tomcooke at 11:39 AM on August 28

Are you female, being messaged by men? There is really no polite AND EFFECTIVE way to say no, in my experience. Most men on online dating sites will continue to pursue you until you block them or tell them to fuck off.

"Sorry, I'm not interested" will bring "But why?"
"Well, I like dogs and you like cats."
"I had a dog once, it's not a dealbreaker."
"I just don't think we have anything in common."
"We've never even met. Give me a try. I know you'll like me."
"Sorry, I'm not interested."
"BITCH!"
posted by desjardins at 11:39 AM on August 28 [1 favorite]

I think it's ok to not respond. That's one of the upsides to online dating, when someone sends that first message, there's no real loss in not getting a message back. There's no rejection in the traditional sense.

Personally, I'd rather just not hear back, where I ccould assume that they just weren't interested, rather than dealing with a rejection message, however polite it might be.
posted by JauntyFedora at 11:39 AM on August 28 [2 favorites]

Happens to me on okc. If someone doesn't respond I take that as a clear sign of disinterest. No offense taken.
posted by special-k at 11:41 AM on August 28

Nthing the ignore - it's standard practice, and anyone who's going to be really offended or upset by it is really not someone you want to be conversing with.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:50 AM on August 28

Ignore, it's much less painful that the alternative. If someone told me 'no, thanks' I'd be pretty upset and it would be quite crushing to my ego. But if the mail goes ignored, it kind of tapers off as you lose hope, and after a few days you don't even remember.
posted by ChabonJabon at 11:56 AM on August 28

I usually ignored most emails (I was on okc too, where I found my beloved Mr. X) - but occasionally, if they sent a thoughtful and well-written initial message, I'd respond with a "I just started seeing someone, but thanks, and good luck!" sort of reply.
posted by Liosliath at 12:02 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

desjardins is exactly right. I used to respond to people to say no thanks in an effort to be polite and there were some guys who would just not let it go and keep emailing me. Then I would feel extra rude because I had already responded to them nicely once and therefore felt obligated to continue. As difficult as it was for me I had to establish a firm "no-reply" policy to ones I wasn't interested in.
posted by triggerfinger at 12:03 PM on August 28

I'm in the minority here. When I was single I was on several dating sites, and it would never fail to irritate me when women would simply ignore an email. A wink or something, sure, okay -- no problem. But if I have taken the time to write a two or three paragraph email, a simple response such as "No, thanks, I don't think we're suited for each other" is a polite way to reply. To ignore a custom-written email is quite rude, in my book.

Of course, if you're dealing with ALL-CAPS MORON or the dude who doesn't know the difference between you're and your or to and two and to, or uses u for you, or sends you dick pix, then I'd ignore that. But not all of us are idiots, you know.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:09 PM on August 28

There's generally two types, those who send out a bunch of generic messages to many people, hoping for a bite. And then there's those that actually read your profile and are genuinely interested, and would probably include some info on common interests or something. The latter should at least deserve a 'thanks, but I'm not interested'. The former, just ignore.
posted by hungrysquirrels at 12:10 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

I don't want to just delete their messages - that seems rude, when they've gone out on a limb to message me.

Thank god, someone with a heart.

It is unbearably rude to just ignore messages. Someone is, indeed, going out on a limb. The least you can do is say "Thank you, but I'm not interested'. Give them one chance to do the "Aww but I'm so awesome you'll love me" shtick, say "No thank you" again, and block them.

Really, I don't understand how people think it's okay to just ignore other people when they're putting themselves out there. Ugh.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:12 PM on August 28 [4 favorites]

To me, writing someone back to tell them "Thanks, but no thanks" is like waving over a bum on the side of the freeway to tell him you're not going to give him money. To me, it's rude to write back. For like 3 milliseconds, you get my hopes up when I see that someone has written me back, and then I open up the letter to find out you wrote me to tell me the exact same thing that I could have figured out if you hadn't written at all.
posted by 23skidoo at 12:25 PM on August 28 [5 favorites]

As you can see, people are pretty evenly split between "not replying is unspeakably rude" and "replying just to say no is a terrible insult." So there's no pleasing people. The only solution, then, is to do what makes you happy. Do you feel worse when you delete an email without replying, or when you reply and then occasionally get a response of the "but why not?" variety? Do whichever makes you less fed up with the process. Or, do unto others as you would like them to do unto you, knowing full well that some of them would actually prefer the opposite done unto them. But understand that whatever you choose, you won't be able to make everyone happy, and you'll just have to live with that.
posted by decathecting at 12:39 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

Personally, I would prefer to receive a "no thanks" e-mail in this situation, especially if it looks like I put some effort into the e-mail.
posted by grouse at 12:42 PM on August 28

I can understand your hesitation to ignore someone, especially since in real life this would be completely rude and unacceptable. I know it may feel crummy, but not responding really is the best option. That way, like 23skidoo said, you'll be able to avoid continued attention from people you don't want to associate with.

If they can't handle an un-returned message, that speaks to something within them that is off. There are an infinite number of reasons why you wouldn't reply; if they're healthy then they'll accept that as part of the process.

It takes a lot of courage just to put up a profile, so good luck and I hope you find someone special! =)
posted by ginagina at 12:42 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

I also initially felt it was rude not to respond to everyone, so I would write back and say, "Thanks, but no thanks" to my unwanted gentlemen internet callers. What I got back were some really crazed responses. One guy wrote me back (after the "no thanks") and told me, and I quote, I was "the nail in the coffin" for him, that women were bitches, that my not accepting his offer to communicate was just the last straw for him, and he was ending his online dating membership because of me. (Sheesh, how'd I let that charmer go?!) Several others wrote back similar insulting things which led to my deciding that ignoring the emails was the best option. This is contrary to my normal approach to life, but so it is.

From the guy's perspective, I've had two guy friends tell me they would get their hopes up when they saw their mailboxes full, only to be disappointed when they discovered it was full of "thanks, but no thanks" responses (as 23skidoo said).

I found a balanced approach worked best for me: if the email to me was clearly written expressly for me and involved some of the writer's time, I'd write back and politely decline. However, if it was clearly a "form letter" seeking my attention (and most of them were), I'd not respond at all.
posted by December at 12:44 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

It's not rude to simply not respond. It's not even rude's second cousin. Not responding is so unrelated to rude that they don't even have the same number of chromosomes, legs or eyes.

Delete the note. If you're not interested, you don't really want them to show up in your searches, so add them to your 'dead to me' list, too.

The other day, someone QuickMatched me. OKC tries to be all cagey by not telling you who, and by showing you a bunch of profiles that you're supposed to match, all in the hopes that you'll think this other person is also interesting and/or keen. Thing is, this caginess doesn't work; in my "who's viewed you" list it tells me when people have looked at my ad. And the e-mail OKC sent me when I got QuickMatched has the time I got matched. I'm not an idiot.

So I saw that I'd been matched. Looked at the profile, saw that we had a few things in common, but, frankly, I didn't find her physically attractive in the least, I found some of her hobbies laughable and worthy of derision, and she's married and poly; I am not poly-friendly. I sent her a note saying that I wasn't interested in my usual comic easy-letdown style. But a couple of hours later I considered: getting rejected sucks ass a lot more than getting ignored. She responded to my note, but I elected to delete it unread and block her.

Why I responded to this woman while I normally ignore all other notes, QuickMatches, "Woo"s, and so on, I dunno. I was probably just feeling extra chatty. But the conclusion remains: I shouldn't have sent her a note.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 12:49 PM on August 28

I dunno -- I did the online dating thing for a while, and I always made a point of responding to anyone that had even made a token effort to read, pay attention to, and seem open to discussing stuff in my profile.

There's a world of difference between "Hi, I saw on your profile that you're reading A Suitable Boy -- I read it last year and thought it was great, but didn't really care for the ending. How far along are you in it? You seem pretty cool -- if you'd like to talk books sometime, message me back!"

and

"hey jer hot u rok my c0ck! LOL rite me back K"

as in the first, I'd think, merits a "thanks, but I'm not really interested" and the second no reply.
posted by Shepherd at 12:53 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

I have been on the sending side of personalized messages on OKC quite a few times. Getting no response to such messages is a common occurrence and it's totally acceptable. My current girlfriend (who I met on OKC) would always send polite rejections to guys who she wasn't interested in. She eventually decided to delete her account because she couldn't deal with all of the messages that she felt an imperative to respond to. Given the trade off between getting courteous rejection messages and having more women on the site, I'd would pick the latter without a doubt.

When people send the first message, they know they might not get a response. It's not a big deal.
posted by rrenaud at 1:16 PM on August 28

I'm with Shepherd and guy_inamonkeysuit. If it seems like the fellow in question actually took the time to compose a thoughtful email based on what he read in your profile, the nice thing to do is to send back a polite message telling him you're not interested.

If you get a message from a guy that just says "Hey what's up?" or "you're cute", don't feel bad if you don't reply, because he's probably sending out dozens of messages like that every night, and it's very unlikely that he'll remember you and get offended that you ignored him.
posted by arianell at 1:16 PM on August 28

I did the online dating thing for a little while as well, and a non-response is completely the norm. That's just the way it is. It's not rude at all. I actually completely agree with 23skidoo - I would see a note in my inbox that said "new message from UrCrush_1982" and I'd get excited, only to see UrCrush_1982 wasn't actually interested. Don't respond to someone unless you're interested.
posted by ORthey at 1:20 PM on August 28

I think it's immensely rude to ignore messages that have been custom-fashioned to attract your attention. If I find a person on OKC interesting, I spend 20 minutes studying her profile and making comments and followup questions. It's OK not to be impressed, but I would appreciate 15 seconds of your time to know that you're not interested. Even with a form letter. Of course, those who don't put effort in shouldn't get it back.

Given that 90% of messages I send out never get responses, I've learned to stop feeling hurt. It's just a social norm I disagree with. (Unless that occasional profile comes along that looks like a match made in heaven, in which case I bash my head in wondering what she didn't like about me. Different topic, though...)

Someone responded that recipients don't owe me anything. To an extent, this is true. But think of it in a more tangible context. Say a stranger walks up to me and asks what book I'm reading. I could keep reading like a deaf-mute and pretend he's not there, because, hey, I don't owe him anything.
posted by spamguy at 1:28 PM on August 28

It is safe to ignore the generic messages that don't mention anything in your profile, since they are more or less spam. To the people who have made an effort but do not interest you, start out with something like "I don't feel comfortable giving out my im handle/meeting/whatever with people I have just met online." Then proceed to be as boring as possible, as if you were writing to a distant relative. Do a couple sentences about the weather, or that crazy water-skiing squirrel you saw on the YouTube. Maybe I haven't run into many desperate men, but the conversation has always died fairly quickly after that.

This method requires effort, assumes you aren't getting 20 messages a day, and carries a very small risk of ending up on a date with Ralph Wiggum.
posted by out of context at 1:59 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

I hate to be rude too, but let's face it: there's a lot of psycho men out there, and you DON'T know which of these guys you aren't interested in is one of them and will lose his shit on you if you say no personally. Even the ones who can write a nice personal e-mail on round one may go mouth-foamy on you if you send a polite decline. Being polite to everyone is not worth the amount of shit that a chick on the Internet is going to get for saying no directly.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:18 PM on August 28 [3 favorites]

spamguy
And that person reading would be completely not rude to ignore them. In fact, the person interrupting somebody reading the book is being rude. I know it's off topic, but I find nothing more rude than some stranger coming up to me while I'm reading trying to start a conversation just because I happen to have a book in my hand. A book says "I'm more interested in this book than talking to people" not "hey come hit on me"
posted by dipolemoment at 2:19 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

I hate to be rude too, but let's face it: there's a lot of psycho men out there, and you DON'T know which of these guys you aren't interested in is one of them and will lose his shit on you if you say no personally. Even the ones who can write a nice personal e-mail on round one may go mouth-foamy on you if you send a polite decline. Being polite to everyone is not worth the amount of shit that a chick on the Internet is going to get for saying no directly.

I agree with this completely.

And, guys, you have to understand that women on these sites get entirely different attention than you do. Different in quantity and content.
posted by sondrialiac at 3:28 PM on August 28

I think that if you receive an earnest email (meaning one that is not just some general message that the person sends out to everyone) it's your moral obligation to respond. It's not easy to do if you have at least an ounce of compassion, but use that compassion to force yourself to respond. I think that most people perfer to know even if it's bad news. I see guys post on these dating sites complaining that NO ONE writes back. I know that I, as a woman, hate when people don't reply to my emails. Sometimes they answer my questions but clearly don't say anything else that would further the conversation, and that is my cue to bow out with a "thanks for the info".

I usually just thank them, say that I'm not interested and good luck. Saying you're not interested can be specific but don't get into specifics if you think it may be hurtful. And try not to lie; better to keep it vague and simple than get caught up in big lies. "Thanks for your message. I'm sorry but I'm not interested/didn't feel a spark/am not feeling it. Good luck with dating!"
posted by kenzi23 at 3:33 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

No one ever writes back to me and I like it that way!
posted by mullacc at 3:47 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I also went the ignore-route when I received a message from a man on OKC that was obviously not a good match for me. It really did seem par the course.

A few times I received messages that a lot of work and thought had gone into, from people who lived far enough away from me that even if I had interest I probably would not have attempted to take things further. In those cases I WOULD send a "Thank you for the message, I really enjoyed it but you live too far away." That way I could respond personally, yet not hurt their feelings...it wasn't THEM (even if it was) it was the distance.

I would rather be ignored, in other words, than get a personal "not interested." It's much easier to tell yourself the other person was too busy, taken, distracted, etc. when you don't have proof on the screen otherwise. And that way they won't be too discouraged to write that next message, that MIGHT garner them a positive response.

But good luck! I met my LT boyfriend on OKC.
posted by Windigo at 4:12 PM on August 28

But a couple of hours later I considered: getting rejected sucks ass a lot more than getting ignored.

Being ignored means that the person in question couldn't even be bothered to take ten seconds out of their oh-so-busy day to show some simple courtesy. Personally, I'd rather hear "Hey thanks, but no thanks" than a blank wall of silence; the latter is soul-crushing.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:17 PM on August 28

Being ignored means that the person in question couldn't even be bothered to take ten seconds out of their oh-so-busy day to show some simple courtesy.

Not everyone has the same definition of 'courtesy'. What is discourteous and soul-crushing to you is courteous and a non-issue to others. Most others, it seems.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 4:24 PM on August 28

Artfully ignoring the carefully worded, charming little message I was inspired to fire off to you after reading your profile is indeed rude. But that is OK by me because it helps me filter out you without the expensive business of shouting matches, divorce lawyers and broken rattles all round.
posted by rongorongo at 4:37 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

The most polite thing to do is to ignore his message.

Then there's at least some chance he'll feel no rejection at all because he'll forget the whole thing.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:10 PM on August 28

"Wow! I got an e-mail from girlithoughtwashot37! YESSSSSSSS! She wrote back!"

[click]

"Oh, shit."
posted by WCityMike at 5:14 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]

I don't mind when I don't receive a reply, and it doesn't even feel like rejection because I will never know for sure why they didn't reply. I receive many messages from people who I might actually be interested in, but then I often just don't get round to replying. It doesn't mean anything.
posted by cincinnatus c at 2:16 AM on August 29