Why do people assume he's a deadbeat?

August 28, 2008 10:32 AM

Why do people assume my husband is a deadbeat (and what can I do about it?)

I've been married nine years to a lovely man. He's worked every day of his life since he was 19 years old (we are both now ~30.) He's smart, honest to a fault, and a hard, conscientious worker. He never finished high school, but wherever he is hired, he inevitably becomes a valuable employee. During our marriage, he has worked to support me many times. First, for two years while I was immigrating, then for another couple of years while I attended university full-time. He's always done his share, or more than his share, around the house, even while working. My friends like him; my parents adore him.

Two years ago, he developed a skin condition. It first affected his eyelids, giving him large, painful cyst-like pustules, and he had two minor surgeries to have them removed. He continued working during this time, even though his eyes were disfigured (big red lumps, missing eyelashes, swelling, etc.) and he felt very self-conscious. The condition then began affecting his face until he was miserable -- physically and socially uncomfortable at work, and unable to even open his mouth wide enough to eat his lunch. The condition, though not life-threatening, caused him considerable anxiety and mental distress, and we even separated for a year for various reasons -- one of which was that I was not able to handle his distress (the eyelid surgery period was particularly rough, and I, regrettably, was not very supportive.)

Cut to present day: we get along extremely well, and the issues that caused our separation are resolved. He moved in with me nine months ago, and stopped working. We decided he should take some time off work to see doctors and specialists (which he has done), and try various treatments (which he has done x 100), and also to consider whether he wants to go back to school, and what career path to choose -- all while helping me out around the house, homemaker-style. He has taken on the task beautifully, does every bit of cooking and cleaning and shopping we need, and has made considerable progress (though no 'cure') on his skin condition. We feel he's close, within a couple of months, to returning to work, and maybe starting school (during his time off, he explored various topics, and discovered an interest in electronics.) I've been working to support us, and going to university at the same time. Our budget is tight, but we manage by living very frugally in a poor part of town. We haven't accessed any kind of unemployment insurance or disability benefits, or received financial help from our families -- we didn't want to. We simply wanted to handle it on our own, get him feeling well, and plan a better future for us both.

The problem, then, is this: at work, the question "What does your husband do?" inevitably comes up. When I've made the mistake of trying to answer this honestly, while still preserving a bit of privacy, I get the strangest, most judgmental reactions. I normally say, "He's not working right now due to a health problem," and when they then (inevitably) ask, "Well, what did he do before?" (as though his identity were completely determined by his work) and I explain that he worked in factories or did clerical work, and had no real "profession" (I work with well-paid, well-educated professionals), things get very uncomfortable. If I explain that he's a marvelous help around the house, and makes a very good homemaker, things get even weirder. I've had people say to me, "If he's not working, he shouldn't get sex," or "On your dime???" or they will point-blank ask, "When are you going to make him go back to work?" I sometimes get tongue-clucking, followed by a wary, "I don't knooooow..." (as though I asked for their opinion?) At the very least, people respond with the stink-eye, and make it clear that they are skeptical of him, and the whole situation. Again, as though I asked.

I realize that I've probably made an error in revealing any details about my personal life, but I don't understand how to respond to these questions without people judging my husband and me in the worst way possible. I come away with the feeling that they assume I'm a total doormat (I'm not; if anything, I'm the more aggressive one), being taken advantage of, and that my husband is a low-life, shiftless deadbeat. In reality, we are a committed couple who've already weathered our storms, and take our vows to support each other "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health," literally. During my own seasons as a housewife, no one judged me harshly for not working. I just don't get the double-standard here, and I'm at a loss now for what to say when that inevitable question comes up, "What does your husband do?"

I'm not comfortable blatantly lying. I just feel like I must be missing something here, or saying something wrong, that is bringing on this reaction from people. I'd like to know how other people handle this sort of thing -- whether it's a sick spouse, or one has simply decided to be a homemaker (in my opinion, a very legitimate job.)

Is it possible to deflect this kind of judgment, or should I just learn to live with it?

posted by anonymous to human relations (47 comments total)

To some extent I think you're going to have to learn to live with it. I'd probably deflect it with the truth and a bit of humor: "Oh, he's a homemaker slash international superspy.". If they make any further prying comments I'd just stare back at them "I'm sorry, I've already said too much." and end with a little grin.
posted by marylynn at 10:43 AM on August 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

First, people with higher degrees are very snobby about people without them. It's a fact. I have this bias myself sometimes. There's a stereotype of people who did not go on to college, be it right or wrong.

Second, there's also a stereotype of the person on disability who can't work for "health reasons". While many of these claims are legitimate, many seem to be fabrications by people who try to "Play the system" to the point where I had to have my back checked for scars before being hired at my current job lest I try to defraud them for workman's comp.

Third, in today's American society (you don't say but I'm guessing you are in the US from the post) your job DOES define you to a great degree, and especially in this day and age "homemakers" are not looked upon as "worthy". They're seen as a throwback to an earlier time, and this applies to men and women.

Finally, though, number three is doubled for men, who have since creation been the "hunters" who provide for the family.

So what you are dealing with is a great number of stereotypes that combine to paint a negative picture of your husband when you provide a very brief summary of the issue, the way you describe it.

However, these stereotypes don't apply to the terminally ill, those with cancer, etc. I think by being vague on "health problems" instead of saying "chronic illness" or some other more serious term it makes him seem less ill than he is in your longer description above. That might help some.

If he goes back to school then there you have a great answer. He's going back for his degree. Very acceptable since then he is trying to conform to the social norm.

But in the end, I think what you need is just a way to tell work acquaintances about your husband, in a brief manner. So when asked what your husband does, the phrase "He is suffering from a chronic illness that prevents him from working" would do well. If pushed for what he did before the illness, then I'd just take his last job and say that as if it were a long time career. The clerical work seems like it would be most appeasing to the people you describe working with.

And I know you'll get responses that basically say "don't worry about what these people think, they're not your friends" but the truth is if you have to deal with these people on a day to day basis sometimes minimizing discomfort through careful shaping of comments is easier than just brushing them off.
posted by arniec at 10:46 AM on August 28, 2008 [4 favorites]

it's not often that you get to see how gender biases negatively affect men, but here you are...

anyway, i would probably say "he's on medical leave" and leave it there. personally, i have zero patience for people who pry into my personal details uninvited, so i'd say, "that's personal" to further inquiries."
posted by klanawa at 10:47 AM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

as though his identity were completely determined by his work

This is how 99% of people seek to understand others. It's facile, but there it is. My wife has been at home since the birth of our kids (10 years now) and we still get funny looks and questions about what she's really doing. If you figure out a way to make people more nuanced, please let me know.

Sorry I can't be helpful. My only real suggestion is simply not to discuss it with strangers.
posted by GuyZero at 10:47 AM on August 28, 2008

'"Well, what did he do before?" (as though his identity were completely determined by his work) '

It is. Not to you or him, of course, but to everyone else. "What do you do?" is the first question a man gets from anybody, always.

"I don't understand how to respond to these questions without people judging my husband and me in the worst way possible"

You're answering the question wrongly. When people ask you what he does, did, or will do when you "make him go back to work," they're not talking about him. They're talking about you and what they assume is your attitude about the situation based on the same cultural silliness that led them to ask the "What does he do?" question in the first place.

"He works at home." is all the answer these people deserve. When they rudely press for details -- and what they're doing is rude, make no mistake -- simply look puzzled and repeat your answer. He works at home. Nobody has the right to interrogate you about his career or your own opinion of it.
posted by majick at 10:47 AM on August 28, 2008 [12 favorites]

"He's not working right now due to a health problem, but after he recovers he's planning on finishing his education" tells them that he isn't just planning on laying around, and will let you direct conversation towards his/your future.
posted by Benjy at 10:50 AM on August 28, 2008

I normally say, "He's not working right now due to a health problem," and when they then (inevitably) ask, "Well, what did he do before?"

I think this is where you can head off most of these questions at the pass. Miss Manners suggests giving vague, non-answer answers to questions that are nobody else's business. What did he do before? A little bit of this, a little bit of that, I'm not really sure but he was always very good at it, and why do you need to know, are you hiring at your job? What is it you do again? All said very lightly and politely, of course. Most people are good at picking up vague answers as a cue that people don't want to discuss the topic any further.

I also think that your question is awfully long for what is really a short etiquette question (how to not discuss things you don't want to discuss). I get the sense from what you wrote that you are uncomfortable with your husband's position in life- the lady doth protest too much. I bet other people are picking up on that discomfort, real or imagined, and that's why they say the things they do- they're just trying to be nice, in their own dumb way. Don't give them the opportunity to do so- of course your "well-paid, well-educated professional" friends are going to find it odd when you say your husband isn't working right now and "has no profession" (which can sound like "has no ambition" in the right tone of voice). Being defensive puts people on the offense. And it's really hard not to be defensive, particularly about topics that are so close to our hearts- our vocations, our loved ones, our money. That's why I think Miss Manners is right in encouraging people to be vague. The less they know, the less they think they know.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:51 AM on August 28, 2008 [4 favorites]

Unfortunately, a stay-at-home husband will always be looked on as a deadbeat, fair or not. Even if they stay home to raise a dozen children and rebuild the house. It's just how it is.

So, in a sense, you'll probably have to get used to it and have the attitude (whether you verbalize it or not) that it's none of their business.

Meanwhile, you could say he's a house-husband. Or you could say what his profession is and leave it at that. If anyone presses further ("where does he work?") you can just change the subject, or say "He's taking care of some other things right now." They don't need to know his medical history. You probably mention it because it sounds like a more "legitmate" reason for him to not be working and you are concerned about what they think.

Keep in mind that anyone asking where he works, or a related question, is probably just trying to be nice, so keeping a positive vibe is a good thing.

One added thought, which is a little beyond what you are asking, but may also help. Is there something he can do from home, that fits within his abilities and the illness? That would be a help financially, and it would help his self-esteem, which in turn can help his healing process. A bonus is that you can say "He's a _________" and if anyone asks where he works, "He's a freelancer" or "He works from home."

Good luck and I hope he finds a cure or relief for what must be a stressful and exhausting condition.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 10:51 AM on August 28, 2008

It's funny, this is exactly the kind of question that gets asked of Dear Abby all the time, and she would answer something like: just say "it's none of your darn business and I'll thank you not to pry" and walk away, as if that were somehow a realistic approach. I swear that woman is completely out of touch with reality.

/rant

Anyway, I like marylynn's joke answer - that will definitely work on some people. You could try saying he's not working because of a health condition, as you've done, but add that he's considering going (back) to school - maybe some folks will respond favorably to that. I think the most likely thing, though, is to learn to ignore these peoples' reactions to some degree. Easier said than done, of course! But it's their issue, not yours, and they're making you feel awkward and bad about these situations by being dumbasses. Perhaps if you come across as a totally confident, loving partner to your husband, and shrug off any bullshit responses, the message of "he's my husband, I love him, he's a great guy and we have a good life" will come across.

Good luck.
posted by ORthey at 10:53 AM on August 28, 2008

I think you're going to have to live with it, and it sounds like a temporary problem anyway.

I don't think the problem is with the people you're talking to, as you're the one who feels ashamed by having to say that your husband is unemployed. But if you want to control the reactions of these people, you will probably have to lie.

"We haven't accessed any kind of unemployment insurance or disability benefits, or received financial help from our families -- we didn't want to."

Most people don't want to. In most cases, it is not a question of "want".
posted by Brocktoon at 10:54 AM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Does he have a hobby, like does he ever doodle? Tell them he's an artist and change the subject.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:55 AM on August 28, 2008

"What does your husband do?" they ask.
"Anything I tell him to," you smile knowingly.
"No," they insist, "Really."
"No," you say, "Really. The trick is to train them early. I even got him to support us while I went back to school!"

If they keep pressing, then you can follow up how it's your turn to support him while he gets over a medical issue.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:11 AM on August 28, 2008 [16 favorites]

"He's home due to a medical condition. When he recovers, he's planning on going back to school in electronics."

If they start to pry and get all judgy, learn to master the smiling, genial change of subject. "But enough about us. What do you and George do to stay busy?"
posted by ottereroticist at 11:16 AM on August 28, 2008

-What does your husband do?
-He's currently recovering from a medical condition and looking forward to getting back out in the world.

-What did he used to do?
-He worked various jobs to support me while I went to school. I'm so glad I can return the favor now.

Or

-What does your husband do?
-Everything I could ever ask a husband to do. (optional: bite lip, smirk, stare off into space for a moment)

Or

-What does your husband do?
-Oh, well he worked really hard to put me through school most of the way. And he even does more than his fair share around the house. (Notice that this is 100% true, but just omits some facts that are none of their business anyway).
posted by gauchodaspampas at 11:17 AM on August 28, 2008

He's managing the household while he prepares for a career change. ("Oh? What did he do before?") He did clerical work, but what he really wants to do is X. He's going back to school to pursue a career in electronics.

No mention of illness, unemployment, disability, or difficulty. Just a positive tone for your future. Probably the person isn't going to remember what you said 10 minutes later, so there's unlikely to be a follow-up conversation where she quizzes you on when exactly Bob is starting school and where.
posted by desjardins at 11:18 AM on August 28, 2008

"He works at home" is all the answer these people deserve.

That's what I came into the thread to say. Don't get into his health issues; it's none of their business. Don't specify if they ask follow-up questions—just repeat that he works at home and change the subject. And above all, don't feel embarrassed/guilty about it. Despite all the people above who insist that we really are defined by our jobs, 1) no we're not, and 2) the idea that we are is peculiarly American: people in other countries think it's bizarre that we always ask about jobs. It's none of their fucking business, you don't need the aggravation involved in trying to satisfy their rude curiosity, and you should train yourself to deflect such questions cheerfully and confidently.
posted by languagehat at 11:20 AM on August 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

Someone actually said the piece about denying him sex? Classy. Pick new people to hang out with. I'd have a hard time not telling these kinds of people to take a hike.

But lots of good advice by other commenters.
posted by schwa at 11:20 AM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

he worked in factories or did clerical work, and had no real "profession"

I'm betting this is is probably a large part of the perception issue. If you identify him by the industry in which he worked, rather than his role, you'll diffuse a lot of the judgment and snobbery that's leading to the deadbeat assumptions. Labels communicate a lot. Say administrative instead of clerical, and production instead of factories.
posted by desuetude at 11:34 AM on August 28, 2008

He's a consultant.
posted by goethean at 11:45 AM on August 28, 2008

There's nothing that you can do to make cow-orkers think he's not a dead beat.

While I was immigrating, Ms. nobeagle supported me, and she endured no end of grief from cow-orkers. Some eventually got it through their heads that she was still happy with me, even if I merely cooked the bacon rather than bring it home. I can't speak for your husband, but I was fine with being thought of as a deadbeat, so long as ms. nobeagle's close friends didn't (because they'd likely be picking up reflections of what she thought/told them).

One point that was a shining example of why not to give much thought to random cow-orkers is that when we were preparing to get married (while I was still being supported), her cow-orkers said that Ms. nobeagle should refuse to sign a pre-nuptual agreement. She had a house and car she inherited from her father which would stay hers if we split. I had debts from a foreign land which would remain mine if we split, and no assets beyond a computer or two to claim. But they heard pre-nupt; think offense to women, and couldn't hear anything beyond that. Heck, the fact that she had been prevented from marrying me for years because her first husband was preventing the divorce by fighting for assets that he'd verbally declared to not want also didn't help convince them that a pre-nupt was good for her.

There is no thought coming out of them; they're an echo chamber or a pack of seagulls. Maybe toss some fries towards their mouths if they become too negative for you to brush off. But this is one of the things that I think will require a thick skin from you.
posted by nobeagle at 12:03 PM on August 28, 2008

"Taking some time off work to pursue personal projects."
posted by charlesv at 12:03 PM on August 28, 2008

"He's involved with healthcare"

they'll think doctor, medical researcher, something like that, never guessing he's a patient.
posted by jrishel at 12:22 PM on August 28, 2008

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Moreover, I'm sorry these coworkers of yours had such frightful relationships in the past and such frightfully gender-bound upbringings that the whole situation is unfathomable to them.

You owe them no explanations. "He works from home," is all they deserve. I like some of the deflect-the-nosy-sod suggestions above.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 12:22 PM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

When they get obnoxious ask, "Why would you ask me that?" That should stop them flat. If it doesn't, shake your head sadly and walk away.
posted by Carol Anne at 12:26 PM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

I've been in a similar position...when I first started dating Mr. Adams, he was living in Cincinnati and I was in the Detroit area. He eventually moved to Detroit because I was more married to my job than he was (I'd been with the company for 11 years and had excellent Blue Cross insurance). My company suddenly closed, and as Fate would have it, shortly after my COBRA coverage ended, Mr. Adams developed debilitating lower back pain that prevented him from even doing the sedentary computer work he was used to/trained for. We eventually found out that he had ankylosing spondylitis, and there followed many months where he wanted to work but couldn't because of his pain (the anti-inflammatory drugs he was prescribed took some time before they took effect). In the meantime, after my company had shut down, I took a job at another company in the same industry where the health insurance was skeletal at best. Between my Lupus and Mr. Adams' AS, we were struggling to pay for prescriptions and collateral medical care. When we were unable to renew the lease on our van and I had to take the bus to work (in an extremely unsavory neighborhood), I got comments all the time from co-workers about how my husband wasn't supporting me, what kind of man would let his wife ride the bus in this neighborhood, etc.

The only thing you can do is let their comments roll off your back. You know what goes on in your own home, and it isn't anyone else's business. For all you know, the co-worker that questions your husband's employment might be married to a man who supports her more than adequately but also has a mistress on the side. Nothing is ever as it seems.
posted by Oriole Adams at 12:27 PM on August 28, 2008

Why not something simple and honest.

"For the first time in 21 years, he's taking some time to figure out what he really wants to do with his life. He's done those piece jobs required to pay the bills, but he's never gotten to pursue what he wants, only what we need."

If you need to elaborate...

"It's been amazing, most of the time when you talk about someone taking time off your mind goes to slackers who lay around on the couch. He's not only done all of the house work, but had some serious medical issues addressed at the same time."

Finally, I wouldn't tolerate disparaging remarks about your spouse. When they say, "On your dime?" I'd pretty bluntly explain my side. "Hardly, if we're keeping a ledger then I owe him a significant amount, he's worked for years when I couldn't, I wouldn't have an education if it weren't for him, (and maybe wouldn't have been able to immigrate?)"

I'd probably wrap that up with a dig about their sexist comments. Equality goes BOTH ways.

Good luck!
posted by TheDukeofLancaster at 12:28 PM on August 28, 2008

I've had people say to me, "If he's not working, he shouldn't get sex," or "On your dime???" or they will point-blank ask, "When are you going to make him go back to work?"

I don't think I'd mind hearing questions about what my husband did, and I'd have no problem stating that he was taking time off work due to a health condition and intended to go back to school once he was better, but those particular comments would infuriate me and elicit nothing better than an icy, "I beg your pardon?" or a cold stare and then either a walk away or a change of topic. Some questions/comments just don't deserve a response.
posted by orange swan at 12:34 PM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Say exactly what you say here--"I find it frustrating when people judge the most important person in my life for trying to recover from a very difficult illness. Frankly, I know I will never be able to repay him for all he's done for me and everytime he's supported me, but I think giving him a chance to get better while I carry the load for once is the least I could do."

This will shut them up pronto. You can expect the issue will never, ever be brought up again.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:38 PM on August 28, 2008 [8 favorites]

To head off the problem, you can just say that he does "blue collar work by trade". If they ask you to elaborate, you can always feign them off by saying that you never really inquired about the details of what he did.

You can also say that he's "healing from extended illness, and will be returning to his career soon".

If people press further for details, you can inform them that they're being a bit rude. This is right out of Dear Abby's playbook.
posted by Citrus at 12:48 PM on August 28, 2008

You could always say he's an engineer. And then when they ask what kind, you could state that he's a domestic engineer. That should confuse them long enough for you to get out of the conversation or lead it down a different path...
posted by lrkuperman at 1:42 PM on August 28, 2008

...can just say that he does "blue collar work by trade". If they ask you to elaborate, you can always feign them off by saying that you never really inquired about the details of what he did.

I think this is good advice if you want to give your co-workers the impression that he's in the mafia.
posted by onshi at 1:47 PM on August 28, 2008

Cue people as to how YOU feel about the situation:

"It's a sad story, but he developed a health condition that's made working difficult, fortunately though it's given him the chance to go back to school, which we are both really happy about.

If pressed about what he did exactly, I might say "he's an incredibly hard worker. He's been a truck driver, a factory worker, administrative cleric, etc."

If you get a bad reaction: (Laugh) "It's not like that. He's the hardest worker I know. He's supported us both through some pretty tough times, and we're both really happy he now has the chance to go to school."

Don't give them the chance to misunderstand. State right up front how you feel, and don't let them get away with insulting your husband. Make sure to correct them.
posted by xammerboy at 1:49 PM on August 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

Why not something simple and honest.

Because this is not the kind of question that deserves honesty. Are you "honest" when people ask "How are you?" I certainly hope not, because people don't want to hear about your aches and pains, they're just being conversational. This is not quite the same, because they're marginally more interested in the answer, but they still don't really care, and the important point is that they do not deserve an "honest" answer because it's none of their business, any more than if they asked "How much do you make?"
posted by languagehat at 2:13 PM on August 28, 2008

This emphasis on ¨What do you do?¨/¨What does your spouse do?¨ is a very American sort of small talk. It´s really, really tiresome. It usually is used to stereotype people as though their work was the most important thing about them, and it´s perfectly usual for it to be the first thing someone asks about. In the US, your job and your class standing are basically the same thing.

The social expectation is that one answers this question about oneself or another in the most favorable way possible (unless you are intentionally downplaying your status). Boring entry level job doing filing at an insurance company? You say you work in insurance. Doing clerical work at a government office? You work for the city/state/etc. If someone wants you to elaborate, there are many answers that will make him seem of medium status, and make it sound like any further conversations on the topic would be so incredibly boring that they won´t ask more about it.

Don´t explain that it´s not his ¨profession¨, or list all his previous jobs. Briefly talk about the last one he had, and put a positive spin on it. If you wish to go into the current situation, say he is on medical leave and looking forward to returning to work. Then redirect the conversation by mentioning how supportive he toward you being in school and working, and ask your questioner something about their spouse/SO/what kind of men they like to date, or mention something about yourself that you feel is less personal.

It sounds like some of these people like to judge things, so don´t take it personally if they find something else to be judgmental about.
posted by yohko at 2:45 PM on August 28, 2008

Ugh, people are such assholes about this sort of thing, and I don't get why it's any of their business or why they seem so emotionally invested in it. My father had to quit working because of severe health problems and my mom supported the family for years during that. People did the exact same thing to her that they're doing to you. After my father died, one small pleasure was seeing how embarrassed they all were.

Anyway, my advice is this: when people ask what your husband does, say he's developed a health condition that has prevented him from working. If their prying question isn't terribly rude or is simply curious, you might try something a little lighter that still gets the point across. For example, you might laugh apologetically and say, "I'm sorry, I know you don't mean to be rude but it's a private issue." If they pry further and say rude things, say, "Wow, that's a rude question." Really. This will shut a lot of people up.

What you should not do, imo, is start talking about what a hard worker he is. It sucks, I know, but remember that they are already inclined to believe he's a deadbeat the moment they hear he doesn't work. When you say otherwise, they will interpret it as your being defensive -- "Aha, she's really embarrassed about her husband being a deadbeat! I knew it!" -- or as your trying to convince yourself -- "Poor thing, doesn't even realize her husband is duping her."

To explain things a different way, nasty people say nasty things because it makes them feel better about themselves. Their self-esteem is riding on your having a deadbeat husband, and they are not going to hear what you want them to hear. Don't waste your breath explaining they have things wrong, because they're not interested in having things right. They're just going to interpret everything you say as delusion or lies.
posted by Nattie at 3:05 PM on August 28, 2008

I like either "He works from home" or "He's self-employed." But if there's a need to talk about what's going on, then try "He's on medical leave from paid work right now" followed up by something about what he actually likes to do with his time "...which is great for me because he's an amazing cook" or "...and he volunteers at a local homeless shelter" or "...and he loves to garden and do woodworking" or whatever.


Fuzzy Skinner: Unfortunately, a stay-at-home husband will always be looked on as a deadbeat

By "always" here, I'm hoping you mean "by a lot of asshats who should get over themselves" because I see this changing (sometimes overcorrecting, so that full-time dads get praise and hugs and cookies and 'you're so brave', while full-time moms get the 'so I suppose you're eating bonbons and watching soaps, you lameass').


Everybody works, even though not everybody does paid work. For some reason, chronic rectal millinery seems to keep some folks from realizing this simple truth.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:05 PM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

When the dogdad was out of work for a year and people asked me about what he did I told them "He's a homemaker- and it's awesome". Then I would go on and on about how I don't have to do anything around the house anymore because he does it all and it's really going to suck when he goes back to work. It was easy for me to say because it was true. I really hate cleaning, and when he was home, our house was so nice and clean and I didn't have to do a thing.

In hindsight, I was probably taking advantage of him- I better go thank him.....
posted by dogmom at 3:08 PM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

It is how you say it, not what you say. My husband is starting the first day of his parental leave today and I am going back to work. Anyone who asks about our arrangements gets my enthusiastic "I can't wait to go back to work! I HATE house cleaning!", with more or less detail depending on their interest. My husband worked part-time for years due to a chronic illness so I know about stranger's assumptions. If they know how you feel about your choices then there is no opening for them to put him down without also putting you down (and if they do that, stand up for yourself). So something like "Lucky me, my husband wants me to succeed so much he has put his own career on hold for me. He is such a great guy; even does all the housework for me!" (Dreamy smile). As to identifying him by his job, use a hobby to answer what he does "He is a writer, a handyman, etc". NO ONE insults my husband or disparages his abilities in front of me and gets away with it. There are quite a few women I know that have the combination of a strong career woman with a more laid-back man and it tends to work really well, societal pressure aside. I hope you meet women more like yourself that "get it".
posted by saucysault at 3:13 PM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

I disagree with a lot of the answers in this thread. There's a lot of suggestions on ways you can defend your husband to other people, up to and including telling lies (he's "involved in healthcare"? Give me a break!). That's just feeding the monster of competition, and you shouldn't do it. Like languagehat said, most people are not actively vicious, they're just being conversational and they don't realize how uncomfortable they're making you. Free yourself from the need to impress other people or assure them that you're fine, just fine, totally fine with how your life is.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:41 PM on August 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

I like xammerboy's answer a lot.
posted by ottereroticist at 3:54 PM on August 28, 2008

Tell people he's such a stud you can't stand the idea of him being in the workplace where other women might kidnap him.

Really, it just galls me so much when you give people an answer, such as "He's not working right now due to a health problem,"and try to move on, and people are rude and push and snoop and try to get you to admin your husband is deadbeat or you do secretly believe in jeebus or whatever thing, I see no reason to behave.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:38 PM on August 28, 2008

Admit. Admit.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:39 PM on August 28, 2008

Wow -- that really sucks that some people have such reactions. You just have to be stronger than them, and do NOT let them browbeat you into revealing anything you don't want to, or trying to make you feel somehow "bad" or "guilty." These people are, quite simply, uncouth idiots.

If anyone ever starts down that path with you in the future, you just need to tell them something that will shut their pie-hole...something like, "My husband? Oh, he takes care of everything that makes me happy!" If they persist, just tell 'em again -- like, "...but I just told you - his job is to make me happy, and he does it wonderfully!"

Best wishes to you & your guy. Sounds like you've been through some hellish times, and deserve happiness now. WITHOUT worrying about what pinheads say or think about you and your hubby.
posted by davidmsc at 12:16 AM on August 29, 2008

Count me with the disclose-lessers. This is none of their damn business. You don't need an elaborate explanation, and you don't need the just-right wording either. All you have to say is that he's a househusband. Maybe add that he has a chronic illness, but only to closer acquaintances. Beyond that? They're prying.

Miss Manners suggests giving vague, non-answer answers to questions that are nobody else's business.

Sometimes. More often she just tells people to make the asker aware that they are poking around in something that is none of their business. Sample answer: "Why ever would you ask such a question?" said airily and blithely. Or the silent stare, as perfected in so many Ricky Gervais vehicles.

Basically, learn to recognize that you have a right to your privacy and your personal decisions, and there is a Bright Line between that and what you are socially obligated to let anyone know.
posted by dhartung at 12:53 AM on August 29, 2008

I feel kinda sorry for the coworkers actually, faced with small-talk that they don't have a scripted response for. Sure, a lot of people ask about jobs in order to stereotype others, but a lot of others (especially "well-educated professionals") do it because they like their careers and want to find a way to relate to the other person. This is best illustrated with the following responses to hearing that he's going back to school to study electronics: "I always thought electronics was interesting." "He must be so smart, I never had the mind for all that math." "My sister is an electrical engineer too! It's a great field."

But instead, they've got something they can't relate to from their own lives.

And then people try to make bad jokes like "Well, you're going to make him get back to work soon, eh?" because they're used to that being an acceptable 'joking' comment. All of the horrible things that you mentioned sound like things some of the less socially-aware people I know might say jokingly (For example, your coworker once heard someone joke that "He stops buying me shoes, he sleeps on the sofa!" and tried to bring out that same joking vibe with "If he's not working, he shouldn't have sex"). A response like Iron Swan's "I beg your pardon?" or even just a startled stare will make them realize that you don't see it the same way.

And if they push it further or if they're obviously serious, well, some people are assholes and there have been lots of good suggestions above for dealing with assholes. I just wanted to add the 'well-meaning but inept' viewpoint.
posted by Lady Li at 4:37 PM on August 29, 2008

I think Lady Li's hit on something important about why these exchanges go the way they do. A lot of these coworkers don't necessarily care about whether your husband's pulling his weight in the relationship (though fwiw it sounds like he is and then some) -- they're just trying to chat and make a connection. And when the conversation goes in a direction they don't expect, they end up faltering and saying something stupid.

Instead of telling them right away that he's been ill (which will sound like an excuse to some, even if it isn't), give them some other details about him. Does he have any cool hobbies, or some kind of talent you can use as conversational fuel? You could say something along the lines of "Oh, he does (x personal project) and (y personal project)-- but actually he's playing homemaker right now. Will be for the next few months." Your more polite coworker will then follow up your answer with questions about the projects, not the homemaking.

If anyone really, really wants to pry after that point, and is just desperate to know why he's not working, you should tell them about the eyelid pustules. Be really, really detailed. If you can get said nosy coworkers to the point where their hands are sort of fluttering near their own eyes, you'll know you have succeeded. Finish off by telling them how his myriad doctors have not been able to find a cure, but how he's managed to come to terms with the disfigurement and pain (remember, you're laying it on thick here), all while cheerfully keeping your shirts pressed and your kitchen floors polished to a high gloss, and how you couldn't be prouder of him. Then stare at Mr. or Ms. Nosypants untill he or she walks away. Guaranteed, that person will never give you shit about your husband again.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:50 PM on August 30, 2008

When I was unemployed or staying at home, I'd tell people I was a freelance journalist. If asked where the articles had been published, I'd just say it was for an internal corporate magazine.

Yes, it's a lie, but not one that's going to be easily found out...
posted by almostwitty at 5:14 AM on August 31, 2008